Change My Mind
by Lucy H
Summary: [Holby City] Anita's nursing a broken heart, Diane's searching for her perfect man, and Ric's just trying to keep the peace.
1. Prologue

Change My Mind

Introduction

Tom was quietly shutting the door to Anita's apartment, not wanting to wake her. And yet… he wanted her to wake up. He wanted her to wake up, to see him, and to talk to him, to convince him that his fears were irrational. But nothing happened. He managed to leave the bedroom without her hearing. And, from then on, he knew that she would not hear him. He had taken one last look at her, sleeping, her hair fanned out on the pillow, and had almost changed his mind. But he had convinced himself he was doing the right thing.

He knew that, inevitably, he would end up getting hurt. He wanted to protect himself from that, but, more than anything, he wanted to protect Anita. He wanted more than anything to keep her from being hurt. And, if he had found another solution, he would have taken it. But… he could think of nothing else. For some reason, unknown to him, Anita seemed to love him. She had wanted him to come to America with her. But, although her enthusiasm had over-ridden his fears for a time, over the past week, he had come to realise that, when they inevitably broke up, it would hurt him more than ever. And it would hurt Anita too. And whilst he could handle being hurt, he didn't know if she could. She was stronger than he, but he had had more experience in life. He had been hurt in the past. She, being younger, had probably not. And he did not want to be the first man to break her heart. 

He would never be able to live up to her. He was an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic, and he was twenty-five years older than her. It was not a fairytale romance. He knew that. He had known it from the outset, which was why he had never asked her to stay for him, and why he had never planned to go with her. But then he had let his selfish heart rule his mind, and had followed her to America. But, when he had woken up from the dream that he had been living, that they had been living, he had faced the reality. The reality that it would not last. He was enough guarantee of that. 

So, whilst she had been out, he had placed his belongings in a suitcase, hidden it by the door, and waited for her to come home. He had pretended to her that everything was fine. He just wanted her to be able to deal with this as calmly as possible. And, in his mind, that meant alone. He would let her find out that he had gone when she was by herself. She would be able to deal with it in her own way. And he could deal with it in his own way. But… what was his way?

*~*~*

Ric was sitting at his desk, not feeling the need to go home. There was no one for him there. There was no one for him in the hospital either, but at least he was not alone. There were sounds – people were there. It was the same sort of philosophy as turning the television on just to have the background noise. Safety. 

He just wanted to think. About everything – about Leo, about his new job, about the gambling, about Diane. He was tackling the problems one by one. Leo, first. He was saddened that his son had done that to himself. What father wouldn't be? But then, he still believed Leo's accusatory statement that it was his own fault. Zubin and Jess had both told him that he had done nothing wrong. But he couldn't believe that. Because he had not been there for Leo when he needed him the most. It was true. He had just thought about Leo's education, about his physical well-being. But he was going to change that. He had talked to him, they had had a father and son chat, not just the usual "how's school?" discussion. And it was a start.

Another start was his job. He had wanted to be clinical director for so long, believing that he could do a better job than Tom. Well, he probably could. But it was daunting. He had honestly not expected it… he had never expected Tom to leave, no one had. But, this was what he needed. What he needed to get his life back on track. He could immerse himself in the job, and forget all about gambling. And all about the reason that he had started gambling. Diane. 

When she had moved back to Holby, he had almost managed to convince himself that they could just pick up where they had left off. He had thought that Diane agreeing to come back meant that she was regretting her decision. And, although he had been engaged to another woman at the time, when that had gone wrong, he had assumed that she would be there for him. And she was. But not in the way he wanted. She was only offering friendship – which he took. Because surely, to be friends with her was better than nothing? Besides, he knew her better than she knew herself. One day, she would realise what they had was special. But until then, he could barely cope with seeing her all over other men. He just wanted her to be happy. But he would have preferred it if she was happy with him. 

*~*~*

Diane was lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come. She had been lying there for hours, it seemed. And all she could do was think, think over what had happened recently. So much had happened to her over the past few months. It had been little more than a year since she moved to Holby, and yet it felt like a lifetime. 

The events that were uppermost in her mind… well, there were a few. Alex. Images of him were spinning around in her mind. Alex crying in the hallway, Alex nervous before his operation, Alex cradling a gun… These were not the acts of a stable man. She knew what people had thought about their relationship, but the rumours were untrue. She and Alex had just been friends. More than that? Well, she could not deny that she might have been tempted. But it would have been meaningless. She had never felt anything more than friendship for him. She had fancied him, but he was her friend, and she never would have jeopardised that. But, being friends, that meant talking. It meant telling your friend what was going on in your life. She knew that she had kept details of her own life private, but she had hoped that Alex had told her everything. And he hadn't. He had left without telling her. And that hurt. 

And then… she was remembering some of the incidents that she had kept from Alex. Mainly, that was her pregnancy. The termination. The fact that she had been too scared to even keep her own child. Not a baby, she had told Ric. Well, if it was not a baby, what was it? She had just been so – terrified. And now, she wanted to forget all about it. She was just grateful that she had had someone to help her through. Ric.

And there was the most important event. She had met Ric again. That had taken some courage. Always quite a proud person, it had taken every ounce of strength that she possessed to walk into his office. But she had done it. And, being Diane, she had not just timidly walked into his office when he was there. He had found her sitting in his chair, her feet comfortably on his desk, looking as though she belonged there. And, after spending a year with him, as a friend, she had come to the conclusion that she had started as she meant to go on. She did belong with him. He was there for her, and she was going to be there for him when he needed her as well. She knew how he felt about her, she knew that he would have been perfectly content to take more than she was giving him, but she was not ready for that. Not yet. Maybe… maybe one day.

*~*~*

Anita was sleeping peacefully, oblivious to it all. 


	2. Chapter One

**Change My Mind**

**Part One**

Anita opened her eyes slowly, and looked at the empty space beside her. She sighed, and looked at the clock, sitting up. "Well, it's never a good start to your morning when you wake up half an hour after you're meant to be at work," she told no one in particular. She hit the alarm clock with the palm of her hand as punishment for not going off at seven o'clock, and got up. 

"Tom?" she called out, wondering where he was. His shoes were gone from their place by the door, so he had probably gone out. She cursed him for not waking her… being late on her second week at a new job was not a good idea. And she had not had the best record for punctuality so far. Tom thought that it was "considerate" to turn off her alarm clock, and let her sleep later than she should. Idiot, she thought fondly. She could not afford to dwell on that, though. She was late. 

She was ready within ten minutes, although the knowledge that she was going to be an hour late did not exactly spur her on. She swore as she picked up her bag and knocked a pile of papers onto the floor. As she bent down to pick them up, she caught sight of her own name. She picked up the envelope and tore it open. For a few seconds, she was silent, her eyes scanning the page. As she finished reading, she sat down suddenly, her legs almost giving way under her.

How could he do that to her? How could he just… leave, like that? Had she missed something, had there been something wrong with their relationship that she hadn't noticed? Had she done something terrible to offend him, to make him run away? Or had he just been so irresponsible, so pig-headed, that he couldn't see that this was going to hurt her? Suddenly the full realisation of what had happened hit her. He had left. She was alone. She tore the letter into pieces, angrily, and, laying her head on her arms, began to cry.

*~*~*

"Late night, Miss Lloyd?" Ric teased Diane, as she wandered into theatre and placed an aspirin in her mouth. 

She grimaced at him. "I couldn't sleep."

"Why not?" 

"I was thinking, is all." She turned away. 

He smiled. "First time for everything, I suppose."

"Ouch," Zubin commented, looking up from where he was sitting by the table, reading. 

"Good book?" Diane asked.

"Pride and Prejudice," he replied, holding the cover up for her to see. "Have you ever read it?"

Diane thought for a moment. "I don't think so. What's it about?"

Zubin flicked through the pages idly before speaking. "About a couple who are in love, but don't admit it."

"Sounds boring," Diane remarked. "Have you read it before?"

"A few times." He turned to the first page. "But even if I hadn't, it's one of those things where you just _know_ that the couples will get together. Even when they're arguing, they're still in love."

Ric took the book off his friend. "This book is three hundred pages or so long. Surely no one, fictional or otherwise, could spend that long before admitting they were in love?"

Zubin looked between Ric and Diane for a moment, smiling. "Well, some people just don't realise what's right in front of them."

*~*~*

Tom unlocked his front door and began dragging a suitcase into the hallway. As his phone began ringing, he dropped the case, startled. He viewed the display screen with some trepidation. The name on the screen suggested that it would not be a particularly pleasant call. However, he answered the phone, and prepared himself for Anita's wrath.

"Nice of you to say goodbye," she told him, anger masking the hurt that she was feeling.

"I'm sorry. I just… I didn't want to hurt you," he faltered. 

"Yes, I'm so glad you escaped doing that," she quipped. She paused. "Why? Was there something glaringly obviously wrong that I just didn't notice?"

"No, there wasn't," he hastened to reassure her. "I just… that's what the problem was."

She paused, trying to understand what he had just said. "Okay. So you left me because nothing was wrong?"

"No. Because I knew that I'd hurt you in the long run, Anita," he corrected her.

"In the long run? What about now?" she demanded. "What about the fact that we had something good there, and you threw it away because of something that _might_ happen?"

"It's for the best." If only she had not called, he would still have been convinced. But now, just hearing her voice, hearing her sounding upset, it was all that he could do to stop himself catching the next plane back to New York. He wanted to make it all better for her, and yet he had ruined it all for her.

She could barely believe what she was hearing. "Well, considering this, it probably is. I never realised how stupid, or uncaring or – just plain horrible you were."

"Anita, I was trying to…"

"I don't care what you were _trying_ to do. All I know is that you've succeeded in hurting me." She held the phone away as she blew her nose, not wanting him to hear her crying.

"I'm sorry," he said, feebly.

"So am I." She glared at the wall. "I'm sorry I ever let you into my life. I'm sorry I trusted you. I'm sorry I let myself fall in love with you." She slammed the phone down, and kicked the table angrily. This was not Anita the psychiatrist, playing mind games, always in control. This was a different side of her, a side that she had kept locked away until recently. Until she met Tom. And now she was regretting it. Because the other Anita, the one who was always in control, would never have had this problem.

*~*~*

Diane was staring unseeingly out of the window when Ric came up behind her. "What you looking at?" he queried.

"The car park."

He gave her a strange look. "Any reason why?"

"No, not really. I'm just thinking."

"Again?" he teased. "You don't want to work your brain _too_ hard, you know. After not having used it in thirty years, thinking twice in as many days…"

Diane interrupted him. "Twenty eight years, actually."

He laughed. "I never understood why women were so fussy about their age."

"Weren't you and the Prof arguing yesterday because he thought you were fifty?" Diane teased.

"No. We were just arguing generally, that was an area we covered." Ric followed Diane's gaze, and stopped suddenly. "Is that Tom Campbell-Gore's car?"

She nodded. "That's what I thought. But isn't he in America with Anita?" She almost spat out Anita's name.

"What's Anita done to you?" Ric asked, as Diane lolled against him.

She was about to reply when a movement in the car park caught her eye. "That's Tom."

"Are you sure?" Ric squinted at the person Diane was pointing to. 

"Well, I don't think there's two people in the world with his hair," she replied.

Ric laughed. "I wonder what he's doing back here," he mused.

"What's that?" queried Zubin, walking past.

"Tom Campbell-Gore," Ric told him, pointing.

"Can't be, he's in America." Nevertheless, Zubin looked to where Ric was pointing. "It does look like him."

"I think it is," Diane remarked. "I mean, there can't be two people who drive a car like that and look like that, can there?"

*~*~*

Nearly an hour later, Anita arrived at work. She was hoping that she would get to her office without anyone seeing her, but that plan didn't work. The moment she stepped into the building, she was approached by her boss.

"You're late again, Anita," he told her.

"I know," she replied, "and I'm sorry, but…"

"This is the third time this week that you've been late. What does that tell you?"

She smiled innocently at him, hoping to win him over. "That I should get a new alarm clock?" she suggested. She was uncomfortably reminded of being fourteen again, and arriving late for school. She sighed. "Look, my alarm didn't go off, my boyfriend left me, and I missed the bus. I've not had a good start to the morning, so…"

"I should let it pass?"

"Exactly." She smiled again, looking him straight in the eye. 

"I'm sorry, Anita, but you've been late seven times in two weeks. That's hardly a good track record, is it?" he asked her. "It's really not working very well, you and this job."

She was feeling desperate. "I don't think you realise how much I gave up to come here."

"You moved from England," he stated.

"No. I left a job in England, I left my family and friends in England, I ruined my chances of having a relationship with the man I love, and…" Her persuasions were in vain. When she left the building half an hour later, it was to the realisation that she had no job. She felt sick. The day before, she had been in a secure relationship, and had a great job, something that many people would have envied her. And now… what did she have?

*~*~*

Tom left Helen Grant's office, smiling to himself that at least he had a job. The hospital had not filled his place yet, and so he was simply reclaiming his old job. As he was walking down the corridor, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned around.

"Tom!" Ed exclaimed. "This is a surprise! I thought you were in America?"

"I was. Now I'm not." Tom didn't want to dwell on it.

"What, has Anita come back as well, or…?"

Tom cut him off. "No, she hasn't." 

Ed paused. "Oh. I, ah, I'm sorry. I didn't realise." He looked around. "So, what, are you back for good, now?"

"It appears so." 

"You know Ric's got Clinical Director," Ed informed him.

"Helen told me," Tom replied. "I gave that up when I went to New York, I knew it was going to happen. So good for Ric."

Ed laughed. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

"Well, things change."

*~*~*

She closed the bathroom door behind her, and made her way into the hallway. She leant against the wall, breathing deeply for a moment, trying to decide what she should do. After a few seconds, she picked up the phone and dialled.


	3. Chapter Two

Change My Mind

Part Two

Anita put the phone down and stared at it for a moment. There was no going back now. She sighed, and began to pack. She was making the right decision. Of course she was. Going back to Holby made sense. She had only gone to America because she had a job there. Now, she had no job, and no reason to stay. And it would be easier to find another job in Holby. She knew people there. 

She paused for a moment. Holby was where Tom was, and, whilst, in one way, that made her want to go back, it also made her want to stay away. She didn't particularly want to see him – not after what he had done to her. He had hurt her… she had thought that maybe, just maybe, he would be the one man who wouldn't do that to her. But he had. It wasn't as though it was the first time she had had her heart broken, and probably wouldn't be the last. That knowledge didn't help. 

She sighed. She loved him, and it was impossible to forget that. But she would most certainly not let that affect anything, she told herself sternly. If she saw him, she saw him. She would have to see him – once, at least. Just to tell him. And she had to do that. Whilst it was tempting to stay away from him, to avoid him for the rest of her life, it was the right thing to do, telling him. She had no doubts on that score. She might not have wanted to, not particularly, but she owed it to him to do so. 

But after that, she could avoid him. It would be painful to both of them if they kept seeing each other. But they were both adults. They could handle seeing each other once in a while. They didn't even have to talk to one another. Unless… oh, that was a tempting thought.

Smiling, she returned to her packing, a plan forming in her mind.

*~*~*

Diane, Ric, and Zubin were perfectly aware that they could have gone home, but they were curious as to why Tom was back. 

"Maybe he's broken up with Anita?" Diane suggested.

"You needn't sound so happy," teased Zubin.

"It's more likely that he's just come back for the rest of his stuff," Ric rationalised. "If he moved to New York with Anita, he wouldn't give up after a few weeks, surely?"

"Maybe she cheated on him?" Diane put in. 

Ric pushed her playfully. "I wouldn't go saying things like that. However much you don't like Anita, there's no reason to accuse her of that."

"She might have done!" Diane protested.

"And she might not," Zubin added.

At this point, Tom walked past Ric's office. "Ask him why he's here," Diane hissed.

"You're the one who's so curious," Ric retorted.

"I can't ask him, have you got any idea how inappropriate that would be?" she asked, innocently.

"Inappropriate? Diane, you went out with him a few times and he dumped you. People move past these things… we have." Ric shot her a look.

Zubin choked on his drink before he spoke. "I'll ask him." He opened the door and called out. "Tom?"

Tom turned around. "Yes?"

"It's… nice to see you back." Zubin shot Ric a look. "What do I say?" he mouthed.

Tom stepped into the office. "Ric, Diane, hello." They both smiled awkwardly, and sat down. Tom looked around. "So, you're wondering why I'm back, aren't you?"

Ric looked uncomfortable, and made a few vague sounds.

"If you must know, I've come back for good," Tom revealed. "Anita and I broke up."

"Told you," Diane mouthed to Zubin, out of sight of Tom. 

"I'm sorry," Ric said, awkwardly.

"Why?" Diane asked Tom.

He looked startled. "I beg your pardon, Miss Lloyd? That's none of your business."

"Well, you must have thought she was pretty great if you moved to New York with her, so why did you break up?" Zubin stood up, took Diane's arm, and dragged her out of the room.

"Diane, I don't know and I don't care what the man's done to you, but you could at least be civil!" he hissed.

"He cancelled a date with me to move to America with Anita." Diane shot Tom a murderous look, and Zubin sighed.

"I don't understand why you care so much," Zubin told her. "You weren't serious about him, you hadn't been out that many times, you didn't love him… did you?" he queried, uncertainly.

She laughed. "Of course not!" She paused. "But I still don't see why I should be nice to him."

"He didn't do anything wrong. He fell in love, that's all. What's the problem with that?"

"Nothing." Diane glared at Tom again. "I've got no problems with that. It's the fact that he stood me up and humiliated me."

Zubin sighed. "Fine. Continue with your grudge. But don't blame me if you end up getting in trouble."

"I won't."

"Excuse Diane's behaviour," Ric apologised to Tom. "But she does have a point," he added. "You treated her terribly, and she has a right to know why."

"I deserve that," Tom said, sighing. "I should have said something to her, I know." He paused. "But as for what happened between Anita and I, that's our business and no one else's." He left the room, marching past Diane and Zubin, and didn't bother to say anything more. 

*~*~*

As she stood outside the airport, surrounded by her cases, Anita suddenly realised that she had nowhere to stay. It was the early hours of the morning, and she had nowhere to go. She felt no inclination to call Tom and ask if she could stay with him. She was going to need to pluck up courage and think about what she wanted to tell him – or take the easy way out, and get very drunk – before she saw him. Now was not the time.

As tempting as it was to get a flight back to New York, where she at least had a flat, she forced herself to find a taxi. She gave the name of a hotel that she knew, a few miles away from the hospital. She could stay there for one night at least. After that… well, she could think about whether she wanted to find a house in Holby or go back to America. Best to just take things one day at a time for now.

She was relieved when she managed to lock herself in a room, which, although small, was a place that she could stay for the night. She decided not to bother unpacking anything – after all, she would most likely only be staying there for a few nights. Besides, she had bigger problems to worry about. Such as Tom… and what to tell him. She had no job and nowhere to live. Those were problems. And there was the other problem, the one that she was keeping to the back of her mind. She could worry about that one later. 

The first thing that she needed to do was think. She had yelled at Tom before she had fully grasped what had happened. She had thrown herself into her packing and avoided excess thought before. She had slept on the plane. So she had no real idea of what she felt about this situation. She sank down onto the bed, knowing that she could take the easy way out and sleep, or do the harder task. Think, come up with a plan of action, decide what to do.

All that she knew she was going to do was try and get her job back, and talk to Tom. Those were just general headings. How was she going to do it? Well, she thought comfortably, it would be easy enough to get her job back. Talking to Tom… well, that would be harder. But she could do it. Of course she could.

*~*~*

Diane smiled as she opened the door to find Ric standing there. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd drive you to work," he replied.

She looked confused. "Why? I mean… my car's just there." 

"I wanted to check that you were alright to come in," he explained, as she picked up her bag and wriggled her feet into a pair of shoes.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she demanded, touched by the gesture, but not wanting to show it. It was sweet of him to do that for her. He was having problems of his own, even if he wouldn't admit them, Diane knew that, and it shocked her that he would take the time out of his busy schedule to see how she was. And yet, it shouldn't have shocked her. He was always like that. Sometimes she felt that she didn't deserve him as a friend. It seemed that she was continually crying on his shoulder.

"You didn't seem too pleased when Tom turned up yesterday." He had been worried about her the previous day. After Tom had left, Ric and Zubin had gone for a drink, but Diane had declined their invitation, and gone home, looking to be on the verge of tears. It was the way she had looked so often lately, but Ric had never got used to seeing her look like that. She had used to be so happy all the time. And, whilst everyone has bad patches once in a while, and no one knew that more than Ric, Diane's bad patch seemed to have lasted a long time, and included events that no one ought to go through on their own. 

"I was just surprised." That was one way to put it. Whilst, in a way, it had gratified her to see that she wasn't the only one who had been tossed aside by Tom, she had not expected to see him, and… well, she had never been very good with dealing with surprises. She needed to prepare herself for difficult situations. Granted, she had been able to prepare herself for very little of what had happened in the past few months. But, after Alex's departure, when she had been through all that one person could possibly go through, she had thought that perhaps, just perhaps, she would be able to move past the unexpected shocks, and get her life back on track.

"Well, I'll still give you a lift," Ric replied. "I haven't seen you out of work for ages." He wished that he had. Diane was a good friend to him, along with Zubin, she was probably his best friend. And then, there were the feelings that kept resurfacing… feelings of love. He loved her, but he would not say anything, he would never do that, not unless she told him that she was ready, that she wanted him to fall for her. At times, he could almost believe that she felt the same. Others times… he wasn't quite so sure.

"It's been a hectic few months," she said, smiling ruefully. Not just for her. Maybe her life had been turned upside down in the past few months, but other people had had a worse hand dealt to them. Chrissie, for example. She had lost a child whom she had loved and wanted. That was more than Diane had. Alex. He'd lost a job that he loved, and had to live with the knowledge that his condition would deteriorate. Zubin. He'd been accused of rape, had his name dragged through the mud, and all by a woman he had loved. Kath. She had lost Terry, she'd been accused of murdering him, and the rumours were still going around. And yet Kath kept going… just like Chrissie kept going, and Zubin kept going. In the midst of people like that, people who had kept on fighting, Diane felt that she had no right to make a fuss.

"For you more than anyone else, I think." He waited for her to close and lock the door, and then began to walk to the car. 

"No." She didn't leave it open for discussion. She climbed into the car. "So, did you buy this with money from the Hadlington, or money from the horses?"

"If I said neither and it came from money from the casino, what would you say?" he joked.

"I'd say that you need to get help." She looked at him. "Ric, why can't you admit that something's wrong?" She would have willingly helped him, but it frustrated her so much that he still was insisting that there was no problem. She knew that he wanted to protect her, but she didn't want to be protected.

"Why can't you?" he countered. He had cut back on the gambling, he knew that he had had a problem, but he was working through it by himself. He didn't want to burden Diane with his problems. She had enough of her own. 

Diane was confused. "Nothing's wrong with me."

"Maybe not now. But when there is, do you admit it?" he queried.

Diane reached for the door handle. "If we're just going to argue, then I'll drive myself."

Ric sighed. "Fine, we'll forget about it for now."

"For now… that sounds ominous." Diane laughed.

Ric laughed along with her. "Ominous for me, or ominous for you?"

"Both."

"Well, until we restart this discussion, let's think about something more pleasant," Ric suggested.

Diane giggled. "Does cutting people open to look at their insides count as something more pleasant?"

*~*~*

Tom did not look up, as someone knocked on the door of his office. "Come in." He was totally unprepared for the sight of Anita calmly strolling into his office and perching herself on his desk. On top of his paperwork, to be precise.

"Hi," she said, smiling, and hoping that she looked less nervous than she felt. She had spent nearly an hour doing and re-doing her makeup, determined to look nothing less than perfect. She wanted to show him that it would take more than one broken heart to make her lose control. And part of her wanted to show him what he was missing.

"Anita, I…" Tom paused, unsure of what to say. "What are you doing here?"

"I lost my job," she replied, casually. "So I thought I'd come back here… y'know, see if I could get my old job back. Just thought I'd drop in and say hi."

"You – ah, when did you lose your job?"

"Yesterday. Your fault, thanks for turning my alarm off. I appreciate the gesture of dumping me and making me lose my job all on the same day." Her eyes bore into him; the intensity of her glare was almost painful.

"I'm sorry. I just… it's better this way."

"You said." She paused for a moment. "I want you to know that I've not come here to try and get you back, by the way. I think you're probably right. We're better off apart. If you can throw our relationship away as easily as that, then it obviously doesn't mean as much to you as it does to me, and… well, there's no point in trying to carry on, is there?" It nearly killed her to say that. She didn't think it. Not at all. But this was all part of her plan… she wanted to hurt him, hurt him as much as he had hurt her, and she knew that this would do the trick. 

Tom nodded. It did hurt him. To hear her say those things… it hurt more than anything had hurt him before. "So… why are you here?"

"Well, I thought it was only polite to tell you that I was back." She glanced at her hands for a moment. Now, a little voice told her. Do it now. Tell him. But the nervous part of her made her keep silent. Fine, the voice snapped. But you'll have to do it sometime. I will, she promised. Sometime.

"Right. Well, it's nice to see you." He didn't mean it. It hurt him to see that she seemed calm; she didn't even seem slightly upset. Not that he wanted her to be upset. But he would have liked her to show that maybe, just maybe, she had cared about him a little bit. And it hurt him to hear her say that she thought they were better off apart. He might have been the one to end it, but he still loved her. But, above all, it hurt him to see her sitting in front of her and to know that she was no longer his girlfriend, to know that he had been the one who had hurt her, the one who had made her lose her job, the one who was responsible for the anger in her eyes.

"You too." Nice? Well, if feeling as though she could curl up and die was nice, then yes, it was very nice. 

Tom thought around wildly for something to say, as Anita was sitting there looking as though as though she were waiting for something. "Ah… did you have a good flight…?" 

She interrupted him. It was now or never. The bitten nails that anxiously tapped the desk were showing that she was not as calm as she wanted to appear. But the voice that spoke was matter-of-fact and composed. "I'm pregnant."


	4. Chapter Three

Change My Mind

_For Loren – I love you, always remember that, ok? You're one of my best friends in the world, and I will always care about you, no matter what._ Chapter Three 

"I'm pregnant."

Anita sat back and waited for Tom's response. She didn't expect him to be overjoyed – she didn't even expect him to have any real opinion yet. After all, she still didn't know what she herself thought. It was scary. She had nowhere to live and no job, she was single with no intention of taking Tom back, which certainly wasn't the best way to bring a child into the world. And then… well, she had never imagined herself as a mother. She had never imagined that she would have to think about something like this, not yet. 

"Pregnant?" Tom repeated. His head was spinning. "Anita, you… I… What do you mean?"

Anita laughed. "Some doctor you are. I think you know what I mean, Tom." She kicked her legs out aimlessly. "I don't want anything from you, if that's what you're thinking. I just thought I'd better tell you."

"What, ah, what are you going to do?" he queried, as it suddenly dawned on him that she might not want to keep the baby.

She paused. "I don't know. I haven't quite thought that far ahead yet. But… it's my decision. Not yours." She had made no decisions about what to do about this baby, but when she did, she would make them by herself. "You gave up any rights to me or this baby when you walked out."

"I deserve that."

"You do," she agreed.

"But, look, Anita, that doesn't stop me being worried about you. Are you okay? After the flight?" he asked, concernedly. 

"It's not your place to be worried about me – or this baby. You walked out, you left, you made your decision, now you have to live with it." She glared at him and kicked her legs out again.

"If I'd have known, I never would have left like that…" he began.

"Oh, so you'd have stayed for the baby and not me?" Her voice was slightly louder than normal. She wasn't shouting, not exactly, but she was certainly not speaking calmly. 

"That's not what I said," he told her. "You're deliberately misunderstanding me here, Anita."

"It's not hard to understand," she retorted. "Let me see, you leave in the middle of the night without saying anything, you fly hundreds of miles to get away from me, and then you say that you'd have stayed if you'd known I was pregnant, how can I possibly misunderstand that?" She aimed a vicious kick in the direction of the chair, and Tom moved out of the way.

"Don't kick me." He looked at her. "Anita, I mean it. I don't want you to go through this by yourself."

"I'm not going through it with you," she replied. "Tom, you hurt me pretty badly, you know."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but please, hear me out." She shrugged, and he took that as consent. "Look, Anita, I'm sorry about what I did, I love you…"

"Funny way of showing it." 

"Will you please let me speak?" he asked, frustrated. "I don't know whether you'll want my support or not…"

"I can answer that question right now." She accompanied her comment with another glare.

He ignored that. "If you want my support, I'll be there. Alright?"

"Fine. But I won't." 

Tom took his hand in hers. "Anita, why are you doing this? Why did you come here just to tell me that I couldn't be involved?"

She snatched her hand free, and walked over to the door. Once there, she paused, her fingers on the handle. She smiled at him. "Call it payback."

*~*~*

"Coffee?" Ric offered, handing Diane a plastic cup. 

"Oh. Thanks." She looked surprised, but sipped the hot drink comfortably. "You're being nice today."

"Aren't I always?" he teased, sitting next to her. 

"Well, yes, but… so far, you've given me a lift to work, been all considerate about Tom, and now you're buying me coffee… do you want something?" she joked. But the smile she gave him showed that she was only joking, and showed how grateful she was.

"I'm just looking out for my friend." He extracted five ten-pound notes from his pocket. "There. I know you've been wanting it back."

She smiled. "It only took you seven weeks. Well done."

He laughed. "Well, I've been carrying it around for about a week, I kept forgetting to give it to you." He took a sip of his own drink. "Hot."

"Coffee normally is."

"I burnt my tongue," Ric commented. "Ouch, it hurts."

"Wimp!" she mocked, laughing.

"Thank you." He paused, growing serious. "Diane…"

"Yes?" she queried, looking towards him.

"I just want to thank you, for – for worrying about me." He smiled slightly. "The gambling. Zubin's helping me through it; I haven't done anything for nearly three weeks now. And it means a lot to me that you cared."

She smiled at him. "I always care about you, Ric. Just like you keep saying that you don't want me to be hurt, I don't want you to get hurt either. You mean a lot to me, you know that?"

*~*~*

The moment that Tom walked into theatre, Ed spoke eagerly. "Was that Anita I saw in your office earlier?"

"Yes." Tom didn't really want to talk about it.

"So she's come back?" Ed asked, curiously. "Are you back together?"

"Yes, and no." He looked confused, so Tom continued. "She's come back to Holby, and no, we're not together."

"Oh." Ed paused. "So… ah… why'd she come back? If you don't mind me asking…"

To argue with me, to tell me that I'm not allowed be involved in my child's life, to hurt me more than anyone has ever done before… "Oh, she had her reasons."

"Such as…?" prompted Zubin. Tom looked around; he hadn't noticed that Zubin was there. 

"She lost her job in New York." That was simple enough. Anita surely wouldn't mind him telling people that. And, more importantly, he didn't mind telling people that. He would probably tell Ed about Anita's pregnancy later, but he certainly did not want to do it whilst Zubin was around. Whilst Tom had didn't actively dislike Zubin, the two were not exactly close. Tom was always slightly afraid of some of Zubin's comments, and Zubin took advantage of that.

"That was quick," Zubin commented. "How long was she there for?"

"I think we've got a patient to be seeing to?" Tom changed the subject. He wanted to forget about Anita for a while. 

*~*~*

"You know that Anita Forbes is back?" Zubin asked Ric and Diane, as the three of them were in theatre after surgery.

Diane looked up. "You better be joking."

Zubin looked over at her. "I like my jokes to be funny."

"Why?" Ric queried.

"Tom said that she's lost her job." He picked up his book and prepared to leave theatre.

"Are you still reading that old book?" Diane asked, incredulously.

"'That old book' happened to be the most popular classic novel in the world," Zubin informed her.

Diane shrugged. "It's the word classic that puts me off."

"Yes, Diane restricts her reading matter to fashion magazines," Ric put in.

"That's not… entirely true," Diane faltered. She glanced at Zubin. "So, ah, what's happening in your book? Have they fallen in love yet?"

"I'm reading Sense And Sensibility now," Zubin told them.

Ric groaned dramatically. "And what's that about?" he queried.

"Falling in love… marriage…" Zubin shrugged. "The usual."

"And is this another one where they have to figure out that they're in love?" Diane asked, disgustedly.

"No," Zubin replied, smiling at the two of them. "In this book, the guy knows that he's in love with the girl, but the girl doesn't realise how much she loves him until he finds someone else."

*~*~*

Anita was pacing the grounds of the hospital, half-listening to the woman on the other end of the phone, and occasionally trying to defend herself. She knew that she was giving any passers-by a certain amount of amusement at the faces she kept pulling, but it was safer to do that than yell at her mother. As she hung up, after nearly twenty minutes of being told off as though she were a naughty child, she jabbed the 'off' button on her phone and kicked the wall, annoyed. 

"I thought you psychiatrists were supposed to be able to control your rage," Tom teased, coming up behind her.

Anita whirled around. "God, don't sneak up on me like that!"

Tom smiled apologetically. "So… who were you shouting at? One of your poor patients?"

She sighed. "No. My mother, actually."

"And this from the woman who thought _I_ had problems with _my_ parents." Although Tom had never heard Anita talk about her family, he had always assumed that she got on well with them. After all, she spent her life telling other people how important their families were.

"I don't have problems with my parents," she corrected him. "Just my mother. And not all the time… only when I decide to tell her that I'm pregnant, single, and unemployed." 

Tom looked sympathetic. "How did she take it?"

Anita looked away. "I'd really rather not talk about it."

"Well, don't worry. I think I can expect much the same when I break the news to my parents."

"I thought you and your father were getting along."

"I went for a meal with him, that's all. You of all people should know that one conversation doesn't exactly make up for a lifetime of arguments. You're a good psychiatrist, Anita, but you're not a miracle worker."

"I'll take that off my CV, then, shall I?" she teased, starting to walk back inside.

Tom followed her. "Look, Anita, we didn't really get a chance to talk before…"

"Didn't we?" Her tone had changed, and Tom could tell that he was skating on very thin ice.

"You said what you had to say, and you left. You didn't give me a chance to say anything." Tom caught her arm as she began to move away. "Anita, don't just walk off. You can't just walk away when things get hard, you know."

"Can't I?" 

"You need to think this through, Anita. Have you got any idea about what you're going to do?" he pressed.

"I _am_ thinking it through," she informed him. "I only found out yesterday. It's not a decision I can make quickly. And I don't see what it is to you what I do or don't do."

"How can you say that?" he asked her, slightly shocked. "I care about you, I love you. You're pregnant with my baby, that… I feel responsible for you."

"Well, don't," she told him. "I'm not a child, Tom." She sighed. "If it'll keep you happy, then I'll tell you what I decide when I decide it. I can't do more than that."

He smiled. "Thank you." He paused. "Where are you staying?"

"In a hotel." She started walking again, and he followed her.

"A hotel?" he repeated.

"Until I get myself settled. Where am I supposed to go?" she asked, cursing herself the moment the words left her mouth.

Tom hesitated for a moment. "Do you want to stay with me?"

Anita shot him a look. "I hardly think that's a good idea." 

He sighed. "Anita, I'm not suggesting it in a romantic sense. I just think that it would be better than you staying in a hotel." 

"Tom, I don't think it's…"

"Listen. I don't want you to be by yourself. You've been through a lot, and I accept that it's my fault, so please let me try and make it up to you. Is that alright?" He looked hopefully at her.

She smiled at him. "Thank you for everything, but I really don't need your help." She kept quiet about the fact that she would have liked to take him up on his offer, that she would have liked nothing more than to move in with him and have everything be normal again. 

"Anita, if you think that I can't be adult about this…"

"That's not what this is about." She sighed, knowing that she was about to pick a fight again, not wanting to, but knowing that it was almost inevitable. "It's about you thinking that you just have to say the word and you can have me back." 

"At what point today have I said that I think that?" 

"It's not what you say, it's your whole attitude. You're acting as though nothing's changed, as though it's the same as before we went to America, and it's not the same. Nothing is the same, and nothing you do or don't do can change that." And yet she liked his attitude being like that. It was easy to cope with, it was familiar. She wanted to immerse herself in yesterday and forget about everything.

"What do you want me to do? Ignore you? Act as though I hate you?" He sighed. "Anita, I wouldn't be able to do that. I know you don't think so, but I love you. I didn't leave you because I didn't love you; I left because I got scared. I thought that, ultimately, I would end up hurting you, and that it was best to go before… before something worse happened. I thought that leaving would be the best thing for you. I didn't want to hurt you, I thought that I was doing the best thing, leaving before anything happened." He paused, fiddling with a button on his jacket. "Looks like I misjudged that."

"You could have talked to me," she said, sadly. "I'd have listened."

"I was too scared." 

She paused, about to reply. Suddenly she felt waves of nausea wash over her, and she was nearly sick. "I feel sick," she managed to whisper. She was cursing herself because Tom had seen her panic. He had seen her worry; he could see that she wasn't infallible. 

He took her arm, and helped her towards a seat. "Sit down. Take some deep breaths." He smoothed her hair back as she gulped down the air as though it were water. As her breathing eased, he smiled. "Feel better?"

"A bit. I just… I felt…" She trailed off. "I hate feeling sick," she said, petulantly. It scared her. She had never been so scared in all her life. It proved that she really was pregnant – more so than a calendar, more so than a blue line. It scared her because she needed Tom there to make it better. He was offering his help, and she was saying no. Why? Because you're scared, she told herself. Because you always need to be in control, and this is something that he is offering, something that he is controlling, and you don't think you'll be able to cope. 

"So…?" Tom prompted. "Do you want my help?"

She paused. Agreeing to this wouldn't be agreeing to forgive him. It wouldn't be agreeing to have a relationship with him again. It would just be agreeing to let him help her a little bit. He knew that, and she knew that. She needed somewhere to stay, and he was willing to provide a place. She didn't want to go through this alone, she really didn't, and he was willing to be there for her. And… she loved him. She couldn't deny that.

So she smiled at him. "Yes. Please."


	5. Chapter Four

Change My Mind

Chapter Four

****

Anita removed the final pair of shoes from her suitcase and placed them in a wardrobe. She closed the door slightly harder than was necessary, and sat back on the bed. She kicked the suitcase into the corner, hoping that it wouldn't leave a mark on the white wallpaper. 

Tom knocked on the door and came in. "Hi."

She looked up. "Hey." 

Tom handed her a cup of tea. "Thought you might like some company," he told her, sitting down.

"Thanks." In all honesty, she would have preferred to be left alone. Being by herself was better than being with him, and yet not with him. But she took the cup, and let him sit next to her. "Thanks for letting me stay," she told him. 

He smiled, and sipped his own drink. "I wasn't going to leave you out on the streets, was I?" He continued before Anita could protest that she had never been remotely close to living on the streets. "And staying in hotels costs money. You're going to need to save up for this baby." 

"You not going to pay for anything then?" she teased. She hoped that he would. Whilst she had enough money, moving to America and back had cost quite a lot, and besides, Tom earned more than she did.

"I thought you didn't need my help?" He smiled. "What happened to 'it's not your place to be worried about this baby', 'I don't want anything'…?"

She shrugged. "I don't _need_ your help. But it would be nice if you'd help out."

He laughed. "I will help out. I promise, I'll be there whenever you need me, okay? If you need money, just ask." He paused. "Money for the baby, that is. I don't want to be paying for your shopping sprees, or – getting your hair done, or anything else like that."

"Would I make you do that?"

"I seem to remember a certain outing in New York, where I ended up buying several pairs of shoes that definitely weren't for me."

"Well, if you will take me to shoe shops…" She shrugged apologetically.

Tom smiled. "Well, it certainly was an experience."

"You've never been shoe shopping before?" she queried, glancing at his feet. 

"I meant New York in general." He paused. "Being there with you." 

Anita felt a lump forming in her throat. This wasn't what she needed. She didn't want to talk about this. She had known that seeing him would be hard, that it would hurt to be near him and know that she was trying not to be in love with him anymore, but she had thought that it would be bearable. This… this was torture. And yet she would rather know that he was there, she would rather be near him, than be thousands of miles away in New York. 

Tom stood up as the phone rang. "You coming?" he asked Anita.

She shook her head. "No… I – I'm a bit tired. I think I'll go to bed." 

Tom nodded. "Okay. Sleep well." He dropped a kiss onto her hair as he passed. She was surprised, but allowed it. It made her feel comfortable. However, as the door closed, the feeling disappeared, and she felt as empty as she had done before. Without bothering to change, she crawled underneath the duvet, and cried herself to sleep.

*~*~*

Diane bounced into Ric's office, looking as though she was on cloud nine. Ric glanced up from his paperwork, and smiled at her. "Why're you so happy?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" she queried, sitting herself down comfortably.

"Well, you've been down in the dumps for the past few days about Tom and Anita coming back." Ric put down his pen and filed the form that he had been filling in.

"Well, it's a new day. Life goes on. Live and let live. All those silly sayings, you know." She laughed. "And, y'know, Alex rang last night."

Ric groaned. "Alex Adams?"

"Do you know any other people named Alex?" she asked.

"No, one's enough." He smiled at her, and began filling in another form.

"Ric," she complained. "Be nice. Please!"

He sighed. "Fine. How is he?"

"Great, he's moved away – without telling us, which is so kind of him," she added, looking slightly annoyed. "But he's happy, so that's the main thing, I suppose."

"So, if you're annoyed with Alex for moving away, how come you're so happy today?" Ric was confused. 

"Because at least I know that he's alright." She shrugged. "C'mon, Ric, I had to prise a gun out of his hand, and the next day he goes missing. That's not exactly the way I like to part with my friends."

Ric smiled. "I can understand that."

*~*~*

"Are you and Anita back together?" Ed demanded of Tom, wandering into his office.

"Didn't we go through this yesterday?" Tom sat back in his chair.

"You drove her into work," Ed commented.

"I did." Tom started sorting through a pile of papers. "Have you seen a brown envelope anywhere?"

Ed shook his head, privately marvelling at the fact that Tom had been in this office for three days and already was managing to lose things. "So… you and Anita…"

"It's none of your business."

Ed shrugged, and got up. "Fine. I suppose you wouldn't be interested to hear that I slept with Chrissie last night, then…" He smiled as he saw Tom's shocked expression. "What?"

"You and Chrissie…? Again?" Tom's tone hinted that he disapproved. "I hope you won't let it disturb your work this time."

Ed resisted the urge to say that he had never moved to America with a woman, and simply smiled. "I'll try." He paused. "Are you going to tell me _anything_?"

"Are you on commission from Chrissie, Ed?" Tom asked. "I'd never have thought of you as a gossip."

"I'm just curious." Ed leant against the wall, sensing that he was getting somewhere.

Tom sighed. "Anita's staying with me for a while, until she finds somewhere else."

Ed was confused. "So, you break up with her, leave her stranded in America, and then let her move in with you? Interesting…"

"I couldn't leave her with nowhere to stay." Tom paused, unsure of whether he was allowed to tell Ed about the fact that Anita was pregnant. It wouldn't hurt, surely… but then, he didn't seem to be Anita's favourite person at the moment, and telling Ed might be the final nail in his coffin.

"And…?" Ed prompted.

"And, nothing." 

"Right. So, you just offer to let her stay with you, totally out of the blue?" Ed was sure there was something Tom wasn't telling him, and he was curious.

"More or less." 

"Ah, so there is something else then. What?" 

"Nothing!" Tom snapped, standing up, feeling frustrated. "Don't you have work to do?"

Ed looked slightly shocked. "Sure, yeah. I'll get on with something." He left quickly, surprised at Tom's sudden change of mood.

Tom sighed, and sat back down, putting his head in his hands. Under any other circumstances, he would have loved to have told Ed about the baby, to have boasted about the fact that he was going to be a father… and yet, he couldn't. He'd ruined it all.

*~*~*

Ric gently knocked on the door of Anita's office, and made his way inside. "Dr Forbes?"

Anita looked up from her paperwork, revealing that her blue eyes were full of tears. She looked down at the desk as Ric came in, not wanting to let anyone see that she had been crying.

"Are you alright?" Ric asked her.

"Fine thanks." Anita smiled falsely. "What's up?"

"There's a patient on Keller that I'd like you to talk to, if you don't mind."

"Sure." Anita stood up.

"Have you been crying?" Ric queried.

"No, I – I have hay fever." Anita rubbed her hand across her eyes, trying to make it look as though she hadn't been crying.

"That's the worst lie I've ever heard." He smiled at her. "And I've got nine kids. I've heard some feeble lies in my time." 

Nine kids? Anita decided to ignore that part. Maybe she'd heard wrongly. "I'm honoured. So, what's the story with this patient?" she asked, trying to change the subject. 

Ric explained about the patient, an alcoholic who'd been brought in after suffering liver failure. Halfway through his speech, he realised the similarities with Tom, and looked anxiously at Anita. She had obviously been thinking on the same lines, and smiled at him. "Really. I'm not going to break down every time someone mentions him. I am alright, you know."

"You don't look it." Ric gave her a concerned look. He didn't know her very well, but from what he had seen of her, she was a very professional, very 'together' woman. For her to be like this, there had to be a serious problem. He liked her, and was truly concerned about the way that she was acting. "What's the matter?"

She smiled. "Mr Griffin…"

"Ric," he interrupted.

"Ric," she corrected herself. "I'm fine. Honestly. I've moved halfway across the world twice in two months, I've broken up with my boyfriend, I'm allowed to be a little emotional, surely?"

"Well, you know what the cure for that is, don't you?" he said, smiling.

"What?" she queried, curiously. If there was a miracle cure out there, she was willing to try it.

"Alcohol," he told her, laughing.

Anita sighed. "Short term cure." And one that, being pregnant, she couldn't try. 

Ric smiled. "Sounds like you've had experience."

She laughed. "I've had my fair share. It never works though." She paused. "Or, at least, it works for one evening. And then you wake up the next morning, your problems are still there, you've got a hangover, and, in my experience, you normally don't remember what you did the night before."

"Or you remember, but you really wish that you didn't," Ric put in.

"That too." She smiled at him. "No amount of alcohol is going to solve my problems, unfortunately."

"Anything I can help with?" Ric queried.

"No… it's complicated." She shook her head. 

"Well, I'm going to the bar tonight if you want to try the alcohol solution and want company," he suggested. "Jess was going to come with me, but apparently she'd rather go on a date than spend a quality time with her father."

Anita pushed open the door to the ward. "Sure."

Ric smiled. "Okay. I'll see you later then." He gestured towards one of the beds. "Bed five."

Anita paused for a moment, watching him walk away, trying to process what had just happened. "What's the matter?" Kath queried, coming up behind her.

She turned around. "Nothing… I think I've just been asked out." She smiled to herself.


	6. Chapter Five

**Change My Mind**

Chapter Five 

"Ric, do you want to come for a drink with us later?" Diane asked, as Ric entered theatre.

"'Us' being us two, Kath, and Ed," Zubin put in.

Ric paused. "I can't, I'm afraid. I have plans."

"Is that plans as in going to see Jess or Leo, or plans as in a date?" Diane teased, expecting it to be the first. Ric hadn't had a date in ages, she thought to herself. Sam, that was probably the last woman he'd dated. And that… well, that was over a year ago.

"A date," Ric told her, taking a small piece of satisfaction in the expression that settled over Diane and Zubin's faces. Shock.

"With whom?" Zubin queried, lazily, mentally deciding whom the suspects might be. Kath? Helen? Chrissie? Rosie? 

"Anita," replied Ric.

"Anita?" Diane exclaimed, shocked. "Anita Forbes? Tom Campbell-Gore's girlfriend, Anita?"

Zubin, sensing an argument brewing, began to pretend to read his book, listening intently to Ric and Diane. Ric almost laughed at the innocent expression on his face, but then turned his attention to Diane. "No. They've broken up, she's not his girlfriend anymore." 

"But…" Diane trailed off, not sure what she wanted to say. Well, what she _wanted_ to say was that he couldn't date Anita. Anita had already stolen one man from her, why did she have to take Ric too? Ric knew how she felt about Anita, why did he have to date her? Diane hardly dared let herself admit that she was jealous. Jealousy was a terribly thing, it wasn't something that she wanted to feel. But… she was.

"But what? Diane, she was crying in her office earlier. I asked her if she wanted to go for a drink to cheer her up." Ric was honestly confused at Diane's reaction. He had stood back and watched her date Danny, Steve, Tom… even Alex, Ric had always suspected that there was more to those two than Diane had let on. And each time he had been the one who was left to comfort her when she had been let down by them. But she had always been very clear that she never wanted more than friendship. And so… maybe it was time for him to move on, to forget about the whirlwind romance that had swept them both off their feet years ago. 

"Ric, if you want to cheer her up, you talk to her or tell her a joke or something. You don't ask her out!" Throughout the past year, Diane had come to realise that Ric would always be there for her. He was her constant, the one she had come to rely on. She had begun to think that he was her safety net; he was the guarantee that she would never be alone. She needed him. She had believed that he would wait for her. But maybe… maybe he wouldn't.

"Diane, I asked Anita out for a drink, and you're acting as though I've committed some unpardonable sin. What's the matter with you?" Ric would never admit to anyone, probably not even himself, that he had had a slight ulterior motive for asking Anita out. She was an attractive woman, yes; he liked her, but his heart… that belonged to Diane. And, although he was prepared to try and move on, if this made Diane jealous, if it made her realise that she depended on him, as he knew that she did, then… Ric didn't pursue that thought any further. What will be will be. No point in speculation.

Zubin looked up from the book. "The book's getting interesting now," he commented. "The girl's just found out that the man she loves is with another woman…" He paused, and looked innocently at Diane and Ric, who both were glaring at him. "Did I say something inappropriate?"

*~*~*

Before she really knew what had happened, Anita found herself back at Tom's, trying to decide two things. Firstly, how to tell Tom, and secondly, what to wear. Clothes… she could solve that problem fairly easily, thankfully. And what to wear was a minor problem compared to having to tell Tom that she was going on a date with Ric Griffin. She didn't want to tell him. When she told him, he would be hurt. And… she hated hurting people. But Tom wasn't just someone that she could bracket under 'people'. 

She sighed. Why had she even agreed to this? Stupid, stupid, stupid. It would have been a lot easier to just say 'No thanks, I've got plans', and leave it at that. She wouldn't have had to think about what to tell Tom, she wouldn't have had to think about how to act… and it would just have been so much easier.

There was still time to call and cancel, she thought, as she brushed her hair. Or was that rude? It was, she decided. She had made her mind up, and she would have to follow it through. You started it, you finish it, she told herself. It's just one drink. One evening out. With a friend. There is no reason that Tom should get annoyed, or hurt, or upset. But, in spite of this mantra, she didn't feel comforted. 

She wouldn't even be able to drink. How was she going to explain that away? He'd seen her drink before; he would know that she wasn't averse to alcohol in any way. A jokey comment, something about Tom perhaps, that would have to do. Joke about Tom, reassure Ric that she was alright, and not on the verge of a breakdown, and then escape. Simple. Piece of cake. Easy as pie. 

She was distracted from her inner struggle by the realisation that she was hungry. And 'going out for a drink' didn't involve eating. So… she would have to go downstairs and face Tom. And she would have to tell him. He would realise that something was wrong when he saw her, anyway. For some reason, he understood her. Anita didn't let herself admit that the reason he understood her, the reason she understood him, was because he loved her, she loved him.

She made her way downstairs slowly, pausing by the kitchen door. She placed one hand on the door handle. It was now or never. Go in there, tell him, get something to eat, leave. She took a deep breath, and opened the door. "Hi."

"Hi." He turned around, pausing as he saw what she was wearing. "You look… nice." That seemed the safest word to use.

She smiled uncomfortably. "Thanks." 

"I assume you're going somewhere, then?" he asked, lightly. He didn't want to appear jealous. 

"Yeah," she replied, softly. "I'm just going for a drink." 

Tom felt that he should just accept that and not ask any questions, but he desperately wanted to know. "With whom?" He tried to put his mind at rest… it was probably someone like Kath; he'd noticed that the two of them had been quite friendly. 

Anita felt herself blushing. She looked down at the floor. Red shoes, red face. "Ric Griffin…" 

"Oh." Tom felt as though someone had pushed him. He didn't know what to say… or even what to think. Ric Griffin? She was going out with Ric Griffin. And it wasn't the fact that it was Ric, it was just the fact that it was… that she was going on a date. He'd assumed that their situation… they were living together, she was pregnant… it would work itself out eventually. But now, it was looking as though, maybe, it wouldn't.

Anita found herself justifying herself when she didn't want to. "I'm sorry, but… he asked me, and I didn't really know how to say no…"

Tom interrupted her. "You managed to say no easily enough to me."

"It's just a drink, it's nothing much… just…" Anita faltered. She didn't know what she was trying to say; all she knew was that she was trying, somehow, to make it easier for both of them.

Tom stopped her again. "No, it – it's good. You're moving on, that's good, I understand that." He didn't. He didn't know where the words were coming from; he just knew that he couldn't let her see how much she was hurting him. He didn't want her to know how much power she had over him.

Anita nodded slowly. "Okay." Part of her was inclined to agree, it was good to move on, Tom had hurt her, and she had accepted that it was over. But another part of her wanted to tell him that she wasn't moving on, that she still loved him as much as she had ever done.

*~*~*

Zubin handed Diane's drink to her, ignoring the angry look on her face. Kath and Ed were both laughing and talking, but Diane had sat in an annoyed silence for the past ten minutes. Zubin had guessed that it was down to Ric, but Kath and Ed were oblivious to the real reasoning.

"What's the matter, Diane?" Ed asked.

"Nothing." She sipped her drink and plastered a false smile onto her face. It was easy to pretend to others. If only she could pretend to herself in the same way.

"She's annoyed because Ric has a date," Zubin explained, exchanging a look with Kath.

"Oh? Who's he dating?" Ed queried.

"Is it Anita Forbes?" Kath put in.

"You know?" Diane demanded.

"Well, I was there when he asked her…" Kath took a sip of her drink and sat back comfortably.

"You were there? And you didn't do anything to stop it?" Diane asked, sounding to Zubin as though she was slightly hysterical.

"Diane, it wasn't a car accident!" Zubin told her, sternly. 

"I know, but…" She sighed. "It's wrong. It's sick and twisted and it's wrong." She shook her head and gulped down the rest of her drink.

"Why is it so wrong?" Kath queried, honestly confused. She couldn't see why Diane was so upset over this. Ric was her best friend; surely she'd want him to be happy? 

"Because… it's Ric. And Anita. And it's just… weird." Diane stood up to get another drink, and Ed followed her.

"Look, Diane… ah, why is it such a problem for you?" he asked, slowly, not wanting to offend her.

"It's not a problem for me! I just don't want Ric to get hurt, that's all!" She sighed, annoyed. 

"Why'd you think that he'd get hurt?"

Diane was about to reply when she saw Ric walk in. "Oh God." She felt sick. Were they trying to annoy her? Drive her to the brink of suicide? Or murder?

"What?" Ed followed her glance. "Oh." He took her arm. "Come on."

"Where to?" She wasn't really paying attention, her gaze fixated on Ric and Anita. She noticed for the first time that Anita was annoyingly pretty. How was that fair? 

Ed gently led her into the car park. "Are you alright?"

"No!" she said, exasperated, sitting down on the step. "Why did they have to come _here_? Why did they have to ruin _my_ night out?"

"Were you really having a good time before?" Ed asked, sitting next to her. "Diane, what's the matter?"

She felt a lump forming in her throat. "I don't know. It's not that… I just… it's…" What was it? She didn't know herself. It wasn't that she was in love with Ric, she didn't want to be with him… but she didn't want anyone else to either. She didn't want Anita to have Ric; she didn't want her to take another man away from her. She didn't want anyone to have Ric. She wanted him to wait until she was ready to be with him.

Ed put an arm around her. "Is it Ric?"

She paused, not sure whether to laugh. "Well, did you think it was Anita?" 

Ed grinned. "There we are. I got you to smile, at least."

She laughed. "You did." The smile vanished as she heard footsteps, and Ric's voice came into the darkness. 

"Diane? Are you alright?"

Before she knew what she was doing, before she knew anything other than the fact that she had to make Ric realise that she wasn't jealous of him, she was perfectly fine, Diane leaned towards Ed and kissed him. 

Ric, standing in the doorway, saw the woman he loved caught in a passionate embrace with another man. Sighing, he turned and walked back into the bar. To Anita. Who, although she wasn't Diane, was a good second-best.


	7. Chapter Six

**Change My Mind**

**Chapter Six**

"What the hell was that?" Ed demanded, as Diane let him go.

She didn't say anything, embarrassed and unsure of how to explain her behaviour away. She couldn't explain it to herself; it had been a spur of the moment action, not encouraged by Ed, but by Ric, by her irrational feelings. 

Ed stood up, breathing deeply. "Diane, what was that for?" Maybe he had enjoyed it. Maybe he had had a crush on Diane ever since he first saw her. Maybe he could have had feelings for her recently. Maybe he liked her more than he had ever liked Chrissie. Maybe he had hoped, just a little bit, that she might one day have thought along the same lines. Maybe.

"It was…" She paused. "I don't know. I'm sorry." 

He sat down next to her again. "You've really got it bad for Ric, haven't you?" he asked, gently. This was not about him. However much he might have wanted it to be about him, it wasn't. She was upset, he could see that. And he had been there; he had been the nearest thing. It hurt him to think that he was just disposable, but he didn't dare dwell on that for long. This was about Diane.

"No," she said feebly. If she said it enough, it might become true. She felt the lump in her throat dislodge itself, and suddenly she was overwhelmed with sobs, her body shaking. "I – I don't know why I'm crying…"

He put an arm around her again. "You're allowed to cry." He stroked her hair back gently. "If you're in love with Ric, why don't you tell him?"

"I'm not in love with Ric!" she insisted. It sounded unconvincing even to her, so she tried to justify it. "I'm not in love with him. I love him, of course I do, he's my best friend. But I don't _love_ him, not like that. Not…" She paused, trying to explain. "How did it make you feel when you saw Chrissie with Owen?"

Ed was startled at her sudden change of direction, but gave heed to her question. "I… slightly jealous, I suppose." He paused. "Because, even though I didn't love her really, it was hard to know that I'd had a chance with her and lost it."

Diane nodded. "And, even though you didn't love her, you still missed her, and a part of you wanted her back?"

"Yeah." Ed smiled in understanding. "Were you and Ric ever…?"

"A long time ago." She smiled sadly. "I messed it up. And you don't get second chances in this life."

*~*~*

Anita glanced at her watch. One o'clock? "I should go," she told Ric, standing up somewhat reluctantly. She had enjoyed herself – she hadn't expected to, but she had. And he had seemed to as well. He had been a bit down at first, but he had soon cheered up… although it had been annoying that he had spent most of the evening talking about Diane Lloyd. 

"Why, what time is it?" Ric asked. He had been enjoying himself. Anita was good company – at the back of his mind, he knew that it was because she was an awful lot like Diane. But he was ignoring that thought.

"One. They'll be kicking us out soon." Anita picked up her bag. "This has been fun."

"We should do it again sometime," Ric suggested, as they walked outside.

Anita paused, awkwardly. Yes, it had been fun. She couldn't deny that she was tempted to agree, it would be fun to go out again, talk… but… she wasn't looking for anything remotely like a relationship. She was living with Tom, she was in love with Tom, she was pregnant with Tom's child, and that was as complicated as she wanted her love life to get. But Ric was obviously waiting for an answer, so she settled for a simple, "Hmm, yeah."

"Don't sound so enthusiastic, will you?" he joked, slightly hurt. He was reminded even more of Diane, with her jokes about how he wasn't good at relationships, how he shouldn't try and advise people on what to do in their own relationships… As Anita looked guiltily at him, he noticed that her eyes weren't as blue as Diane's. He shook his head slightly, trying to forget about Diane. She didn't love him. She didn't want him. He couldn't have her.

Anita smiled uncomfortably. "No, no, I mean… sure. Tomorrow? Same time?" Part of her was cringing. Why was she doing this?

"Great." Ric wasn't too sure why he'd asked her. He wanted Diane. If it came to a choice between Diane and Anita, Diane would win. He loved her. Anita was… pleasant, she was attractive, she was interesting to talk to… but she wasn't Diane. She wasn't the woman that he loved. But… there's always a 'but'. Diane didn't love him. She would never have agreed to a date. She flirted with him occasionally, normally when she wanted him to give in to her. But then… she flirted with everyone. She flirted with Zubin, with Ed, with Alex… He sighed. Diane was a dream; he wanted her, but would never have her. 

Anita fumbled in her bag for her keys, and was taken by surprise when Ric spoke again. She had thought that he had gone. "What's your phone number?" he repeated, as she looked at him blankly.

She scribbled her number down on a piece of paper quickly, and Ric looked at it in some confusion. "Isn't that Tom's number?"

"Yeah, I – I'm staying with him." It was the truth. So why did she feel guilty for telling him? Maybe it was talking about Tom when she was with another man.

"Oh." Ric looked slightly confused. "Okay." He decided not to ask why. It was probably safer.

Anita opened her car door. "I'd invite you back to mine for coffee or something, but I don't think Tom would be too pleased."

Ric laughed. "I can understand that." He kissed her, and walked off, leaving her slightly stunned. She hadn't expected that. 

*~*~*

Anita shut the front door quietly behind her, not wanting to disturb Tom. She put her bag down, and was just about to go upstairs when she heard a voice.

"Have fun?" Tom asked, trying not to look as jealous as he felt.

Anita jumped violently. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded, shocked.

"Asking a polite question." He shrugged. "So, did you have fun?"

"Yeah. It was great, actually." She watched the hurt expression flicker over his face and felt guilty. "Y'know, even my mum stopped waiting up for me when I turned eighteen," she teased, trying to change the subject.

"I wasn't waiting up for you. I was… reading." Tom gestured vaguely towards a book sitting on the coffee table.

"Hmm." Anita decided not to tease him any more. She was tired, and, to be perfectly honest, not in the mood to have a long discussion. "Well, see you in the morning." She stumbled slightly in the dark, and grabbed onto the banister to save herself from falling.

"Are you drunk?" he asked her.

She whirled around to glare at him. "No!" He looked as though he believed her, but she wasn't going to let him off that easily. "How could you think I'd get drunk?" 

"I just asked…"

"Do you think that I don't care about this baby?" She glared at him again, and he looked away. "I don't need alcohol. I'm not you." A pang of guilt hit her as she shouted that, but she ignored it, and stalked off, annoyed.

*~*~*

"Have fun last night?" Diane asked Ric, noticing that he looked tired.

"Yes, thank you." He glanced at her, unsure of whether or not to mention Ed. "Did you?"

"What? I didn't do anything." She shrugged innocently.

"You and Ed Keating? Outside?" he suggested, wanting to find out what was happening. 

Diane looked uncomfortable. "Oh. That." She didn't want to think about it. She had embarrassed herself and Ed, she had probably lost a good friend, and, to top it off, it hadn't helped at all. "It was nothing. Just… y'know. Sometimes these things happen."

"Oh. Right." Ric decided not to pursue it further. Heat of the moment, was it? Diane and Ed… he had never seen them as a possible couple before. Maybe because he had never believed Diane could love anyone but him.

"So… you and Anita?" Diane prompted. She wanted to know if it was serious. If it had just been two friends going out for a drink. Or if it had been the start of a relationship.

"It was enjoyable." Ric smiled at her.

Diane looked at the floor, concentrating on her shoes. Don't cry, don't cry. As long as you don't cry, everything will be alright. "So… are you serious about her?" What sort of morbid curiosity was making her ask this? She didn't know.

"I went on one date with her." Ric shook his head. "I don't know. I don't think so." He paused. "It's more just… casual."

"Oh." What a wonderful comment that was. She had never felt so awkward in all her life. The only question that leapt into her mind was "Are you seeing her again?", which she didn't want to ask. Firstly, it was inappropriate. Secondly, she didn't want to know the answer. Well, she did. But she wanted to know that he wasn't going to see her again.

"Diane, if you want to know whether I'm seeing her again, just ask," Ric interrupted her train of thought.

"I didn't…" She trailed off. "You know me too well." 

"I've known you a long time." He looked at her tenderly. He was about to say something more when Zubin came in. 

Zubin looked between the two of them. "Oh. Am I interrupting a 'moment'?" he asked. 

Ric glared at him. "No. I'll see you later." He walked out.

*~*~*

By the time that he arrived in the bar to meet Anita that evening, Ric was tired of Zubin and Diane's incessant questions. He had arrived earlier than her, so he ordered drinks, and went to sit down. 

Ten minutes later, she arrived, and sat down, smiling. "Hey."

He handed her a glass of wine. "Have a good day?"

She put the glass down. "No… I don't… I can't drink." The same guilt as she had felt the previous night flooded her mind, as the taunts she had hurled at Tom came back to her. '_I don't need alcohol. I'm not you_.'

"Why not?" he asked, curiously.

"It's…" She paused, not sure of whether to tell him. So far, only Tom knew. To tell Ric seemed like betraying him. And she had done enough of that already. She had been cruel to him; she had hurt him more than anyone could. She had taunted him about his alcoholism, she had broken his heart, she had gone out with Ric, and she had hurt him. She knew it. She could see it in his eyes. "Nothing," she finished, feebly. 

"Are you sure?" He was concerned. 

"It's nothing to worry about." That was true. It wasn't anything for Ric to worry about. Even if she worried about it, was none of his business. She stood up. "I'll get myself another drink." She walked over to the bar, and leant against it, holding onto a stool for support, feeling scared. Scared of what? She didn't know. She just felt lonely.

"Hey," Ric greeted her, as she sat back down with a glass of Coke. "It's not that you're worried about being unhealthy then," he teased.

She shrugged apologetically. "I get drunk really easily," she lied. "It's embarrassing."

He laughed. Suddenly, unbidden, an image of Diane appeared in his mind. '_You always used to be able to hold your liquor_.' He shook his head to rid himself of the image.

"Are you alright?" Anita asked, as she saw him shaking his head.

He smiled. "Sorry, I just…" He laughed self-consciously. "It was nothing. So…" He paused, unsure of what to say. "How was your day?"

Nearly an hour later, Ric put down his fourth empty glass. "Do you want to come back to mine for coffee or something?" he asked, slightly drunk.

Anita, still sipping her first glass of coke and not drunk in the least, laughed. "Subtle."

"What?" he queried.

"No… nothing." She smiled innocently. Coffee… well, according to Tom, that was off-limits as well. Ric was going to think she was odd, refusing to drink anything. But… refusing, that would be rude. "Sure," she replied, awkwardly.

When they arrived back at Ric's, Anita sat down uncomfortably on a kitchen chair and shook her head when he asked if she wanted coffee. "No. I can't drink coffee…"

"Do you drink anything?"

"Only if I get really thirsty," she joked. 

He smiled. "Tea? Water? Milk?" he offered.

"Tea, yeah, sure." She shrugged. 

"So… why don't you drink coffee?"

"It's complicated… y'know." 

"You're pregnant," he stated.

"Well… sort of." How did he know? Did she _look_ pregnant? "How…?"

He smiled. "Well, you're not drinking, and you keep touching your stomach."

Anita looked down to see that her hand was rested on her stomach. She smiled. "I didn't realise I was doing it." She turned serious. "Ric, please don't tell anyone, ok?"

"I won't," he promised. "Have you told Tom?"

"Of course! That's why I'm living with him… I wouldn't do it otherwise, because… well…" She stopped abruptly.

"You love him and it hurts you too much," he finished.

She glanced at him in shock. "How did you…?"

He smiled. "Anita, I know what it feels like, to love someone and not be able to have them. And I know what it looks like."

She smiled sympathetically. "Diane?"

"Yeah." He sat down.

Anita sighed. "I suppose we might as well call this a day. It's not gonna work out, is it?"

He put an arm around her. "No, it isn't." He paused. "I'm sorry."

"So'm I."


	8. Chapter Seven

**Change My Mind**

**Chapter Seven**

_This is for Luce – I know how much you wanted to read it!_

==============

"You'll both be glad to hear that Anita and I broke up yesterday," Ric told Diane and Zubin.

"Why would we be glad to hear that?" Zubin asked. "I'm sorry." He nudged Diane, and she echoed his statement. She truly was sorry. Maybe she didn't like Anita, maybe she had not approved of her relationship with Ric, and maybe she had been jealous, but she didn't want to see Ric hurt. He was her closest friend, and she wanted him to be happy. 

As Zubin left the room, Diane took Ric's hand. "I really am sorry, Ric. I know you liked her."

Ric smiled. "I'll survive." It meant a lot to him that Diane was willing to tell him that. She might have thought that she was hiding her emotions, but Ric could read her like a book, and had noticed that she had seemed less than pleased over the past few weeks. Maybe now that Anita was out of the picture, Diane would return to normal.

*~*~*

Anita knocked on the door of Tom's office uncertainly. "Hi."

"So you've decided to show your face, then." His tone was cold, but not unpleasant. She took her cue from that, and went in. 

"Yeah, I – I stayed at Ric's." She saw the hurt expression flicker over his face again and mentally kicked herself. "No, I don't mean… I didn't… we didn't… no." She shook her head. "We just talked, it's nothing…" Why was she incapable of forming complete sentences? "We decided that it wasn't going to work out," she finished, taking a small hint of pleasure in the expression on Tom's face.

"Oh. I'm sorry," he lied.

"Yes, well." She shrugged. "Look… about yesterday. I'm sorry about what I said." She hated apologising. But it was best to clear the air.

"When you accused me of being dependent on alcohol, you mean?"

"Yeah. That." She smiled, hoping that he would forgive her. "I had no right to say that. You trusted me, and I threw it back in your face. I'm sorry. I should never have said it."

"You shouldn't," he agreed. He paused. "But then, I should have trusted you. I suppose we were both in the wrong."

"Yeah." She sat down. "Forgive and forget?"

"Why not?"

*~*~*

"Ed, you might find that you'll be needing this," Ric informed the registrar, handing him a folder.

Ed looked confused. "Mrs Bryce's notes. Ah… thanks. Where'd you find them?"

"On the floor by your locker." Ric laughed. He hadn't spoken to Ed since he had seen him with Diane, and had never really dared to broach the subject with her, so he had no idea of what might have gone on between them. "Look, Ed, I realise that this is none of my business, but… you and Diane… is anything happening?"

Surprised, Ed stopped walking. "What? Diane?" he repeated. "Oh… you think… no." He laughed. "That was just a bit of a misunderstanding. Why'd you ask?"

"Oh, I just wondered. She's my friend, I care about her." Ric tried to sound casual. "So… you're not together?"

"No, no. She's a friend, that's all." Ed wasn't sure how much Ric knew about Diane's feelings, and so decided to play it safe. "She was just a bit confused, a bit depressed, that night."

"Depressed?"

"Yeah, seeing you with Anita, I think it just shocked her a bit." Ed began to walk away again.

"She didn't happen to tell you why she's been so distant recently, did she?" Ric asked, curiously. He just wanted to help her. He loved her, he didn't want to see her hurt or unhappy.

Ed shrugged. "Yeah. She cares about you a lot, you know. It hurt her to see you with someone else." He smiled. "Thanks for the folder." He walked away, leaving Ric confused.

*~*~*

Anita placed the folder on the desk gently. As she turned to leave, she caught sight of Diane. She walked over to her slowly. "Diane, I… how's Ric?"

"He's been better," Diane retorted, moving away. "But don't worry. I doubt he'll lose any sleep over you."

Anita glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just don't think that you're the sort of girl who could break his heart," Diane told her, calmly.

"No, that's you, isn't it?" Anita turned to walk away, smirking to herself. 

"I beg your pardon?" Diane asked, sounding icily polite – a sure sign that she was annoyed.

Anita smiled. "I went on two dates with him, and I had to spend five nights listening to him talking about you. You broke his heart, you know. That poor guy loves you and you treat him like dirt."

"I'm sorry, I don't see how I got dragged into this." Diane crossed her arms and leant against the desk, choosing to ignore Anita's last comment. She couldn't have hurt Ric that badly, he couldn't love her. Anita was lying… trying to hurt her.

"Got dragged into this? You _started_ this!" Anita exclaimed. "I asked a polite question, and you started attacking me."

"I did not!" 

"You did too!" Anita nearly laughed as she heard herself say that. Part of her had never stopped being six years old and arguing with her cousins over who ate the last packet of crisps, evidently.

"I don't see what your problem is," Diane said, annoyed. "You waltz in here and start dating every man you see…"

"I'd think about what you're saying before you say it, if I were you," Anita advised. "I've been out with _two_ people from the hospital and I've worked here for five years. You've been here about a year and you've already slept your way around most of the men here."

"At least I haven't forced anyone to move to the other side of the world and then broken up with them a few weeks later!"

Anita looked down, trying to hide how much that hurt. "That is none of your business. What happened in America is between me and Tom." She put a hand to her side as she felt a twinge, and winced. 

"Are you alright?" Diane queried, the doctor in her coming to the fore.

"Stomach cramp." She clutched onto the desk for support.

"Surely you can cope with stomach cramps," Diane commented, incredulously.

"No, it's not – not that, no." Anita sat down. "Oh." She breathed in deeply. "I'm pregnant." She was starting to panic. "Can you – can you help me get to maternity or something? Or are you just going to stand there?" she added, annoyed.

Diane waited for her to stand up, and walked slowly with her to maternity. They walked in silence, Diane worrying that this was her fault, that she had caused this, and Anita in a state of utter panic that something had gone wrong. They didn't speak until Anita was sitting in a consulting room, waiting for Mubbs. 

"I – I didn't realise," Diane said, slowly. "I wouldn't have said anything if I knew…"

Anita was glad of a chance to speak, a chance to try and take her mind off the fear that was enshrouding her. "That's why I'm not telling people. I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool." She paused. "Well, that, and I wasn't sure if I wanted it." 

"Wasn't? Past tense?" Diane shook her head. "Sorry, I'm being nosy, I've got no right to…"

Anita smiled. "It's okay." She winced again. "I decided that I'm going to keep it." She paused again, one hand on her side where it hurt. "I might not get that choice now." She spoke lightly, not wanting to show Diane how near to tears she was, not wanting to let on how much this was affecting her.

"Don't say that, I'm sure you'll be fine," Diane said, although she had no idea what she was saying. 

"I'm not worried about me," Anita told her. 

Diane smiled slightly and squeezed her hand supportively. "Do you want me to call Ric?"

"Ric? Why?" Anita queried, confused. She put a hand on her stomach. "Oh, you think he's…? No, no…" She laughed. "No, I've not even slept with him, he's not the father."

Diane looked embarrassed. "Oh, sorry, I didn't…" She paused. "Ric said you'd slept together."

Anita shot her a look. "Great." 

"Well, he said you stayed at his, I assumed he meant you'd slept together…" Diane trailed off.

"I stayed on the sofa last night because I was too lazy to drive home. And I don't think that there's any chance that I'd find out I was pregnant in about twelve hours." Anita drew in a sharp breath. "Oh." Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she involuntarily gripped Diane's hand. "Thank you for – for staying with me."

Diane smiled nervously. "Well, I wasn't going to just leave you, was I?"

Mubbs entered and looked between them. "Which one of you's the pregnant one?" he queried.

"That would be me," Anita told him. 

"Ah yes, the hand on the stomach's a dead giveaway," Mubbs joked. Diane glared at him. "Not a time for jokes? Alright."

"It hurts," Anita whispered. She turned to Diane. "Diane, could you – would you mind calling Tom? I just… I know it's selfish, but I want him here. If anything happens…" Tom was the one person who she would let herself break down in front of. He was the one person that she would let know how afraid she was. If he said that it would be all right, then she would believe him. But, more than that, she just wanted to see a familiar face.

Diane smiled. "Of course." She paused before leaving the room. "Be gentle with her, Mubbs."

*~*~*

Tom, sitting with Ed and Zubin in the bar, didn't even hear his phone ring. 

*~*~*

Ric was engrossed in paperwork, trying desperately to put Ed's comments out of his mind, when he heard a noise outside, and Diane burst in, on the verge of tears. He stood up. "Diane? What's the matter?"

"Anita, she – it's all my fault!" 

Ric put an arm around her. "What's your fault?"

"She – we – me and Anita, we started fighting, and she – she nearly lost the baby, Ric…" She felt the tears running down her face and was powerless to stop them.

Ric sat down and pulled Diane down next to him. "What happened?" he asked, gently.

"I said some awful things to her… and then she started getting cramps, and she thought she'd lost the baby…" The words were spilling over each other, she wanted to tell Ric, and she wanted him to reassure her that it was not her fault, that it was just one of those things.

"Did she lose it?" he queried, concerned.

"She didn't, but Ric, if she had, it would have been my fault, I nearly killed her baby!" She was sobbing now, her head on his shoulder.

"Diane, lots of women get stomach cramps when they're pregnant, you didn't cause them, and you are in no way responsible for what happened." He smiled at her. "You understand?"

"You – you mean it?" she choked. 

"Would I lie to you?" He stood up, and she followed his example. "Now, you go home, have a good sleep, and you'll feel better in the morning, I'm sure."

She hesitated. "Can I – can I stay here a bit longer?"

"Of course you can." He smoothed the tears away from her cheeks and pulled her into a hug. 

"Thank you," she whispered, looking up at him. He was playing with her hair, and if anyone else had done that, she would have backed away instantly. But when Ric did it, she liked it. Suddenly, on an impulse, she reached up and kissed him lightly. 

He looked at her in some surprise. "What was that?" he queried.

"Just… I – I don't know…" she faltered. "I wanted to – to see…" She stopped. "I spoke to Anita, she – she said that…"

"I'll kill her," Ric mumbled to himself. "Did she say anything along the same lines as what Ed said to me?" he asked Diane.

Diane looked up, surprised. "You spoke to Ed?"

"He said that you…" Ric trailed off, and stopped playing with her hair. "Do you want to go down this road again?"

She looked into his eyes, and saw her answer. "Yes."

He kissed her gently, and she felt happier than she had done in a long time. And she didn't have to speak to know that he felt the same.

*~*~*

As he left the bar, Tom idly glanced at his phone, not expecting to have any messages. To his surprise, it informed him that he had missed thirteen calls. 

"Tom, this is Diane. Listen, Anita's in maternity and she's asking for you…" He didn't bother to listen to any more, but rushed to his car as quickly as he could. 

"Tom? What's the matter?" Ed queried, looking concerned at the expression on Tom's face.

"Anita… I've got to go…" was all that Tom managed to say, before he was in the car and driving off, slightly over the speed limit. Within a few minutes, he was arriving at the hospital, just in time to see Anita walking slowly towards her car. He walked towards her. "Anita?"

"Where were you?" she demanded, tears running down her face.

"I was in the bar with Ed… is everything okay?" He hugged her, hating to see her crying.

"It's fine. Just a bit of pain, apparently it's normal." She felt comfortable in his arms. She was angry that he had stayed away, but she couldn't focus on that now, because she so badly needed him to hold her and comfort her. She didn't want to feel like this, he had let her down when she needed him, and she didn't want to depend on him. She still loved him. She knew that. She had known it all along. And he still loved her, she was almost sure of it.

"The baby…?" He didn't dare to finish the question, terrified that she was crying because she had lost the baby.

"The baby's fine, don't you worry." Suddenly a surge of anger overtook her, and she tore herself away from him. "Not that you were worried. You weren't there, you obviously thought it was more important to have a drink with Ed…"

"I didn't know…"

"Diane must have rung you twenty times!"

"Thirteen," he corrected her. She glared at him. "Look, Anita, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing you can say." She wiped the tears from her cheeks impatiently. "Tom, you promised that you'd be there if I ever needed you. I needed you tonight, and you weren't there. I needed you more than I have ever needed anybody in my life. I thought that I was losing the one thing that means something to me in this world, and I just – I wanted you there, I would have given anything to have you there, Tom. Because I thought that this meant something to you as well, I thought that you still cared about me, or if not about me, then I thought that you cared about this baby. I didn't think that you'd ignore me – us – when something like this happened." 

He took her hand in his, and drew her close to him. "Anita, I do care about you and about our baby. I care about you more than I've ever cared about anything in my life."

"I've decided to keep it, you know." She placed a hand protectively on her stomach.

"Anita, that – that's wonderful," he managed to say. "I'll – I will be there every step of the way, I promise." He meant it. He wanted nothing more than to help her. 

She looked at him for a moment. "I thought you meant what you said, you know. I thought you would be there if I needed you."

"I did mean it…" He paused, trying to put his feelings into words. But she spoke before he had a chance.

"Then why weren't you here tonight?" She smiled sadly and walked away. 


	9. Chapter Eight

Change My Mind

Chapter Eight

****

Tom stood and watched Anita walking away, feeling helpless. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to follow her, but he didn't feel that he should… that he could. Even though he hadn't known, he should have. If only he had heard his phone ringing, if only he'd left earlier, if only he'd been there with her. He leant against his car, wanting desperately to turn back time and have been there for Anita. He wanted to have been there to hold her hand, to have reassured her. Instead, she had had to make do with Diane, whom she had never spoken to before. Instead of a familiar face, she had been with someone she had barely known. Had barely known, and had barely liked. And it had been his fault. 

He could think of no way that he could make this up to her. She had given him a second chance, a chance to be a part of her life again, and he had thrown it away. He had thrown away his last chance, because a part of him realised, even at that moment, that he had hurt her terribly. She would never risk that hurt again. But if he could get her to listen, maybe she would understand, maybe she would forgive him. Maybe.

He tried to call to her, but no sound came out. He was shocked to realise that he was crying.

*~*~*

Ric, his arms around Diane's waist, tried to unlock the door with one hand, kissing her as he did so. They were both giggling, Diane's tears long gone. "I've missed this," he whispered into her hair, as he succeeded in opening the door, and led her inside. She dropped her bag just inside the door, and kicked her shoes off.

"You making yourself comfortable?" he teased, pleased nonetheless to see how relaxed she seemed. Any sign of hesitation, and he would have felt as though she did not want to be there. But Diane was not normally shy or ill at ease, and this was a situation she had been well used to in the past. A long time ago, but at one point, she had been more used to being in Ric's house than her own. 

"Well, if you'd rather I stood around uncomfortably…" She giggled, and thought in astonishment how natural it seemed to be here. It seemed easy, natural, familiar, to be in Ric's house, in Ric's arms, knowing what was about to happen, knowing that she wanted it to happen. Knowing that she was happy for once. 

"Not really," he replied. His hands found their way into hers, and she smiled shyly at him. 

"I've missed you _so_ much." She didn't trust herself to say more, feeling as though she was on the verge of tears. She couldn't quite explain why she felt like that. It wasn't the same sort of teary feeling she had had earlier; she felt happy now, complete. And yet she felt tearful. She had spent the last few years of her life feeling unfinished, as though there was something missing. It was so strange to suddenly feel safe, she felt overwhelmed by it all. Unable to speak, she smiled up at him again.

He saw that her eyes were full of tears, and smiled down at her. "I've missed you too."

*~*~*

Anita found herself walking home. She could have gone to get her car, but her feet were moving of their own accord. It was relaxing. She liked it. Whilst she was walking, she didn't have to think. And when she didn't have to think, she didn't have to hurt. But the walk was too short, and all too soon, she found herself standing outside Tom's house, debating whether or not to go in. If she went in, she would have to face him. And if she faced him, she would have to apologise, explain why she had over-reacted so. Because it hadn't been his fault. If he had been in the bar with Ed, he wouldn't have heard his phone ring. She had been in the bar, she knew that it did get noisy. She also knew that he would never have ignored his phone ringing, especially not if he had seen that she had been the one ringing him. But her rationale had kicked in too late. Why couldn't she have realised that he wouldn't lie to her? Why couldn't she have realised that whilst he was still there?

As she walked bravely up the driveway, she noticed that his car wasn't there. So she didn't have to worry. He wasn't home. A sudden fear overwhelmed her. What if she had finally pushed him over the edge, what if she had forced him to drink? She unlocked the door and went in, calling out his name in the false hope that he might be there.

He wasn't. And, sinking into the darkness of her room, she began to cry.

*~*~*

"Good morning," Diane murmured, rolling over to face Ric. It was early, very early, still dark outside. But she had woken up, and couldn't even contemplate going back to sleep… not without talking to him first.

He opened his eyes slowly. "Hello, gorgeous."

"Hey." She smiled at him. "It's been a long time since we woke up like this, hasn't it?"

"Too long," he replied, smiling back at her. 

She paused, unsure of whether to say anything else. She spoke almost without realising that she was going to. "You know, seeing you with Anita made me realise how much I really do care about you."

He laughed. "Well, I'm glad you realised it."

"So'm I," she replied, kissing him. 

"I realised from the moment I saw you sitting in my office, when you first came to Holby," Ric told her. "And from that day on, I couldn't believe that I'd managed to live for so long without you."

She blushed. "It seems like ages ago," she said. "That I came back, I mean."

"Only a year or so." He held her closely to him. "One of the worst years of your life, I'd imagine."

"This more than makes up for it."

*~*~*

Anita was sitting on her bed, her face wet with tears, flicking aimlessly through a box of photos. She hadn't planned to. They had just been there. She wanted to do something, anything, to take her mind off the fact that she had possibly made Tom feel worse than ever, sent him back to drink. Done the exact opposite of what she had been meant to do.

The photos were old… some were in black and white, some were in colour, most of them were slightly bent or folded. She had been meaning to put them into albums for years. She stopped flicking through them when she came to one. She looked at it for a moment, trying to decide why she had been so drawn to this particular one. The girl in the photo was four years old and had long black hair and big blue eyes. She hadn't changed much. The little girl was crying. Again, not much difference there, Anita thought sadly. 

She thought for a moment, trying to remember why the little girl with her hair in two plaits would ever need to cry. She'd had a pretty easy life. Her only troubles had been grazed knees, bumped elbows, the usual injuries of a clumsy child. She had broken her leg once. Painful, but less painful than a broken heart. 

Into the midst of her silent reverie came a noise. The slamming of a door, a harsh noise, breaking through the pitiful sobs that were choking her.

"Tom?" she called out, hoping for and dreading his reply.

She heard him run up the stairs, and he pushed open her door. "Anita…" He had spent the past few hours trying desperately to think of something to tell her, to explain away his actions, to beg for her forgiveness. But when he saw her, he was unable to think. Unable to think about anything but the woman standing in front of him, crying, and crying because of pain he had inflicted on her. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, knowing even in that instant, that the words were meaningless. Tongues can lie. Only hearts are always truthful.

"I know," she replied softly. "I know." She crossed the room towards him, and buried her face in his shoulder, feeling his arms encircle her. 

He stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He held her closely to him, knowing instinctively that she needed consolation, and yet knowing that this was not forgiveness. This was necessity. It was the fact that she had been to hell and back that day, and she needed someone to comfort her, someone to tell her that it was all going to get better.

Eventually, she moved away from him, and sat down on the bed again, silently. She had hurt him. She had accused him of not caring, when she had known that that was the one thing he never would be guilty of. She had over-reacted. Everything she had done, over the past few days… she had been twisting the knife, breaking his heart, slowly and deliberately. She spoke quietly. "I'm sorry. I should… I… just… I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" he asked, slightly confused. "I… I'm the one who left you alone, I was…"

"I know you would never deliberately ignore me," she told him gently. "I overreacted, I should have believed you. And… I'm sorry." He was kneeling on the floor, looking into her eyes, and she continued, explaining herself, trying desperately to make herself sound better than she felt. "I – I've hurt you, I know I have. You can say that I haven't, but you'd be lying, I can see it in your eyes."

"You know me too well." It was just a comment; he wasn't trying to accuse her, or to flirt with her. He was simply telling her. "You might have hurt me, but I hurt you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but an eye for an eye makes everyone blind." Anita let him take her hand. She looked for a moment at her bitten nails, the chipped red polish, just one more thing that she needed to fix. She looked back at Tom. "This isn't working, is it?"

He glanced away for a moment, then looked back at her. "What isn't?"

She slid off the bed, and knelt on the floor next to him. "This…" She paused, unable to form the sentence, because saying it would make it real. "Us. This, our situation. It's not working."

He put his arms around her. "What do you mean? It's… there's nothing wrong."

"There is, and you know it," she said, softly. The tears began to fall again, and she didn't bother to brush them away. "Tom, we can't help it, I'm hurting you, you're hurting me. I don't know whether you know it, but you are." She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued. "Maybe it would be best if… well, if we didn't… if I…" She stopped. "If I moved out," she said, finally.

"Anita…" he said, slowly, unsure of what to do. He felt as though he should stop her, as though he should try and keep her close to him, but he couldn't deny that she was right. She was hurting him, he was hurting her. But, to him, the solution was different. "Couldn't we just… try again?"

She shook her head slightly. "Tom, I don't want to lose you…"

"So you want to move out? Anita, I don't understand."

"Because…" She stopped, sighing. "Tom, if I stay here, I'm going to end up hurting you really badly, and I'm going to lose you because of it. And even if… if we tried again, then… I don't honestly think that it would work. Not yet." 

"Why not? I love you, why shouldn't it work?" He was almost begging with her, because he could see no way back from this. Once she had done this, it seemed like the death of any hopes he had ever had for their relationship to recover.

"Tom, it just wouldn't." He was looking as though he wanted more explanation, so she elaborated. "When I see you now, all I can see is someone who walked out on me, who lied to me, and who abandoned me." She saw the hurt on his face, and hastened to continue. "I'm sorry, but that's the truth."

"So… what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that… I need to trust you before I can even think about letting myself love you again." She stood up. "I'm sorry."

"Don't… don't do this." He stood up as well, and caught her hand. "Don't go."

"I have to. Tom, I could stay and ruin everything just for a few days, or I could wait a while, and it might really be worth it." She let him hold her close for a few moments, let him hold her, kiss her, run his hands through her hair… and, for those few moments, she felt that she was willing to take a chance on forever, if it gave her even a few instants of happiness now. But she pulled away. "No… no."

"Anita, how can you be so certain that this'll work?" he demanded, trying desperately to convince her to stay.

"It has to. It just has to." She gently pulled her hand away, and moved towards the door. "It has to."


	10. Chapter Nine

Change My Mind

**Chapter Nine**

Zubin looked up from his book as Ric and Diane came in. "Where did you two get to yesterday?" he queried.

Ric and Diane exchanged a look. "What do you mean?" Ric asked.

"Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come for a drink, but by the time I'd got to your office, Ric, the two of you had scarpered," Zubin replied.

Diane shrugged. "Well, you know how it is. At the end of a day in this place, you don't exactly want to hang around, do you?"

"True," agreed Zubin. He turned back to his book. 

"What are you reading now?" Ric questioned, feigning interest.

"It's…" 

"Another love story, I bet," Diane put in, smirking at Ric. "I'd never have thought you'd be so fond of stories like that, Prof."

"It's not technically a love story," Zubin replied, holding out his book. "Emma, by Jane Austen."

Diane raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes?"

"Like I said, it's not technically a love story, but at the end, Emma does get married – to a man who's a good deal older than she is." 

Ric laughed, putting an arm around Diane. "Zubin, stop hinting. We get the message."

"Hinting? Moi?" Zubin looked innocent. "Who said I was hinting at anything?" He paused. "What do you mean, you get the message?"

"We get the message," Diane repeated, smiling.

"Thank you, that's a lot clearer, I'm glad you explained," Zubin told her sarcastically, dodging as she playfully kicked out at him.

"Well, I would have thanked him," Ric told Diane, "But I don't think he'd understand." She laughed and shook her head, causing Zubin to look on in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"We'll leave you to work that out," Diane said, grinning, as she dragged Ric from the room. "I think we've got patients to see."

Zubin sat on the desk for a few more minutes, thinking, until suddenly his expression cleared, and he began to laugh. "Did they mean…?" He smiled. "Well, I'm glad they finally realised."

*~*~*

Anita put her bag down next to her desk, and sat down, hoping that people would leave her alone. She had paperwork to do, patients to see, and tears to cry. Unfortunately, she didn't get her wish. She had only just picked up some forms to fill in when there was a knock on the door, and Diane entered.

"Hi, I just thought I'd come to see if you were alright, after yesterday," she said, slightly awkwardly.

Anita smiled. "Thanks… I'm fine." 

"You've been crying," Diane commented, looking at Anita shrewdly.

"No, no… I haven't." Anita looked away, trying to hide her red eyes. 

Diane sat down, a sudden thought hitting her. "You didn't… I mean, the baby… you're still…?"

Anita placed a hand on her stomach protectively. "I'm still pregnant, if that's what you mean. I didn't lose the baby. You were there, you know that."

"I thought maybe… after you left, I don't know, something could have happened." Diane shrugged. "So… what made you cry? Do you want to talk about it?"

Anita sighed. "Nothing happened." 

"Is it Tom?" Diane didn't believe Anita; something must have happened to make her look like that.

"Diane, I said nothing happened…"

"And I didn't believe you. Did you have an argument with Tom? Is it because he didn't turn up last night?"

Anita nodded slightly. "Well… no. It's more to do with… everything."

"Everything?"

Anita sighed, resigning herself to explaining it all to Diane. "Well, I yelled at him because he wasn't there, he was in the bar with Ed. And then, when he got home – at about four o'clock in the morning, by the way – I apologised, and… well, to cut a long story short, I moved out."

"You moved out?" Diane repeated. "Why?"

"I think it was something to do with being hurt." Anita fiddled with her pen, trying not to look at Diane. "I don't know. It was a stupid idea. Now I'm still hurt, and I'm homeless as well."

Diane hid a smile. It wasn't funny, but the way Anita put it did sound humorous. "Well…" she hesitated, knowing that she would probably regret this the moment the words were out of her mouth. "You can stay with me for a bit… if you want… I mean, if…"

"Are you sure?" Anita asked, dubiously. It sounded like a good idea… well, sort of. But hadn't it just been the previous day that they'd been having a slanging match in the middle of Keller ward?

"Yeah," Diane decided. It couldn't be that bad. Besides, she couldn't leave Anita homeless. She was… well, not a friend. But she was a friend of Ric's. That had to count for something. And she was pregnant. That counted for a lot. "I've got a spare room, and I'd feel ever so guilty if you had to stay in a hotel or somewhere."

Anita smiled. "Thank you, then." She paused. "Will Ric mind?"

"Ric? What's he got to do with it?"

"I saw the two of you in his office last night," Anita said, her tone hinting that she wanted to know all the gossip. Anything to take her mind off her own disastrous love life. She sat forward eagerly, waiting. "What happened?"

"The usual," Diane replied, casually. 

Anita stuck her tongue out. "Such as…?"

"Why are you so interested, anyway? I'd have thought you wouldn't want to know, having dated Ric and everything." Diane shrugged. Although, part of her liked the idea of telling Anita everything… as well as the opportunity to tell it to someone other than Jess, who simply said she didn't want to know about her father's love life, she sort of liked the idea of letting Anita know that she had won this one. She had got Ric and Anita hadn't. Although, from the looks of things, Anita wasn't bothered at all.

"I pretty much take responsibility for whatever happened," Anita explained.

"What? How?"

Anita smiled. "Well, I convinced Ric that he should go after you. I told you that he loved you…"

"What?" Diane exclaimed. "Love? At no point in our conversation…"

"Argument," Anita corrected her.

"Argument then. At no point did you say that he loved me!" Diane stood up, looking slightly flustered. "He loves me? Oh God."

"What's the matter with that?" queried Anita. "I'd have thought you'd be pleased. You like him, don't you?"

"Love… oh God, why didn't you _say_?" Diane shook her head. "How do I fix this one?"

"Diane, what's the matter with him loving you?" Anita was honestly confused.

"You're the psychiatrist, you work it out." Diane looked down at her hands, and sat down again. Anita was still looking at her blankly, so she continued. "Look, why… why don't you want to be with Tom?"

"Because it hurts," Anita replied simply.

"Precisely. When you love someone, they can hurt you like hell. I don't want that responsibility. That worry." Diane fiddled with her keys, avoiding Anita's eye. "Maybe I should just…"

Anita interrupted her. "You'd be willing to break up with Ric just because you _might_ get hurt? That's ridiculous!"

Diane shot her a look. "I couldn't do it, not now… he wouldn't hurt me, I'm sure, it's just scary…" She paused for a moment, smiling as she thought of Ric. "But, Anita… Remind me again, why aren't you and Tom together?"

"That's entirely…" Anita trailed off, blushing. "Fine, it's similar. Slightly." Why did it seem wrong for Diane to be so afraid of being hurt, and yet it was perfectly fine for herself? The answer came to her almost at once. Ric would never hurt Diane. Tom… well, Anita wasn't so sure.

*~*~*

Tom arrived late, and Ed attacked him the moment he walked through the door. "Tom! Where were you?"

"At home." Tom sighed, not wanting to explain. 

"Your shift started an hour ago!" Ed exclaimed. "Did you oversleep?" He glanced at Tom curiously. "You've not been drinking again, have you?"

"No, no, I haven't." Having not slept at all, Tom didn't even have the energy to raise the anger that he normally would have felt at such an insinuation. He sat down at his desk and sighed. "What are we doing today?"

"Nothing if you're looking like that," Ed replied promptly. "I'd advise you to wake up before you start fiddling around with people's hearts."

"I am awake." Tom tried desperately not to yawn. 

Ed shot him a look. "Really?" He paused, remembering Tom's frantic expression the previous day. "Have you had another argument with Anita or something?"

Tom turned away. "Yeah." He felt oddly as though he was going to cry if he said anything more.

"What happened?" Ed asked, oblivious to how much his idle questioning hurt his friend.

"She moved out." Tom sighed. "She can't trust me, so she moved out."

Ed was shocked at the defeat he heard in Tom's voice. He'd never heard him like that, not even in the darkest times of his alcoholism. "I'm sorry," he said feebly, knowing that his words were meaningless.

"So am I." Tom leaned back in his chair. "God, I've screwed up."

"Tom, it'll work out, you love her, she loves you…" Ed babbled. 

"She told me that whenever she looks at me, all she can see is someone who abandoned her." Tom sighed heavily. "I'm not going to get her back. I've lost her for good now. I thought I might have had a chance, when she came back…"

"She came back for you, you mean a lot to her…"

"She didn't come back because of me. She came back because she lost her job and because she's pregnant." The words tumbled out, and Tom heard them in horror. He'd never meant to tell Ed that. 

"She's pregnant?" Ed repeated, shocked. "God, Tom, why didn't you say something?"

"What could I have said? How could you have helped?" Tom demanded bitterly. He knew it was unfair to take his anger out on Ed, but he was there, he was the easiest victim.

"Tom, I've been there. I've seen someone I love be pregnant and not be with me. It hurts. I know." Ed felt the familiar depression wash over him as he thought of Chrissie's pregnancy, of Amanda, of the chance that he had missed.

"This is different." Tom didn't want to notice the similarities. Because if he did, then he would really be admitting that there was no hope. Because Chrissie and Ed had just been a fling… no feelings. Not on Chrissie's side. And Tom didn't dare admit that he was afraid that Anita was the same as Chrissie. Did she love him? Had she ever loved him?

"Tom, I'm not saying that your situation, your relationship, I'm not saying that was the same." Ed was perfectly aware of Tom's train of thought. "I'm just saying that I know something about having to be on the sidelines whilst someone you love is pregnant. I know that it hurts. Especially if you want to be involved."

"I missed my chance," Tom replied, dejectedly. "She went to Mubbs with stomach cramps yesterday and I didn't go to see her."

"Did she…?" Ed didn't want to ask. The only thing was, if Anita had lost the baby, then the similarities were clearer than ever.

"No. But she thinks it means I don't care." Tom looked at Ed. "I promised her I'd be there if she needed me, and I wasn't." He slid down slightly in his chair, feeling his emotions overwhelm him. He leant his head in his hands as tears stung his eyes. Ed hadn't cried when Amanda died. Why should he cry over this? Ed had had a reason, and he had stayed strong. But then, Ed was a stronger person. He would never have let alcoholism, addictions, emotions, get the better of him.

Ed sighed. "Tom, don't let her call all the shots, take charge for once…"

"You don't understand Anita," Tom interrupted, his eyes full of tears. "She wouldn't let me… it wouldn't work. She's said what she wants. It's her choice."

"It doesn't have to be." Ed paused. "Tom, do you realise how often I've wished that I'd done more to try and change Chrissie's mind? I just sat back and let Owen have her. And I regret that now. You've still got a chance."

"I haven't. Ed, I broke her heart, I don't deserve another chance. She's given me so many chances that I've lost count. I've hurt her so badly it's a wonder she still speaks to me, and for some reason, she still loves me. I can't risk being taken back and hurting her again, ruining it again." Tom's voice quivered slightly, and he turned his face away so that Ed wouldn't see the tears falling down his cheeks.

*~*~*

_Eek this is depressing! *sigh* Hm, only a few more parts to go now… _


	11. Chapter Ten

"Listen, Ric, do you mind if we don't… well, if we postpone tonight?" Diane asked, hesitantly. She didn't want to hurt him, but she felt that she should probably stay with Anita… after all, she had invited her, she couldn't very well leave her alone.

Ric felt a sudden, almost physical pain. She wanted to throw it all away… he should have known that she would never be serious about him. After all, he was so much older than her, she was young, her whole future ahead of her… But he had believed, just for that one night, he had believed that she had wanted more. He had put his feelings on the line, he had let on how he felt, and this was how he was repaid. To be treated as a one-night stand, to be brushed off. But she was waiting for a reply. "Sure." He didn't want to let on how hurt he was. "It's probably for the best anyway…"

A flicker of shock crossed Diane's face. "What? Ric, no, I didn't mean… no! I don't want this to end, I just…" She sighed. "Look, I said Anita could stay with me for a bit, because she's moved out of Tom's. I just think I should stay with her this evening."

Ric looked uncomfortable. "Oh… I just thought… it sounded a lot like you were trying to end it." He both looked, and felt, embarrassed. But that was nothing compared to the utter relief that engulfed him.

She laughed. "No. No, never." 

He smiled. "Good. I hope you realise you're not getting away easily now." He meant it. He had managed to bottle up his feelings for so long, and now he could finally tell her, now that he had finally admitted to himself and to her, he knew that there was no going back.

She felt the panic rising inside of her, the knowledge that if anyone else had said that to her, she would have run as fast as she could and never looked back. But she repressed it. You adore him, she told herself. This is Ric, he would never hurt you. You've wanted to be with him for so long, how can you even think of running away? She smiled. "Maybe I wouldn't want to get away."

Ric felt a sudden rush of happiness. To think that just a few moments ago, he had thought that she was going to end it, and now she was saying that she wouldn't leave even if she had the chance. Ignoring the fact that they were standing in the middle of the corridor, he kissed her. 

Zubin, passing by, smiled. "Put her down, Ric." 

The two turned to look at him. "Zubin, hi." Ric smiled. "So, you finally figured it out?"

"Well, I'm just glad that you two realised what a good thing you've got going for yourselves there," Zubin laughed. "Took you long enough, as well."

Diane hit him. "Well, if you're going by that rule, then how come you haven't realised that you and…" Ric put a hand over her mouth.

"That's enough, Miss Lloyd."

Zubin looked mildly intrigued, but didn't say anything. "Right, well, I'll see you two lovebirds later." He walked away, leaving Diane and Ric together.

"Do you want me to come round tonight?" Ric offered.

Diane looked slightly surprised. "Why?" she asked, bluntly.

"Well… I don't know. I just thought, you don't know Anita very well, do you really want to spend a whole evening with her? It might be dull for you." And he wanted to spend the evening with Diane. 

Diane paused for a moment. She couldn't deny that the idea of spending the evening with Anita rather than Ric was rather boring. But… "I don't know. I mean… wouldn't it be awkward?"

"Why?"

"You and her." She shrugged. "I mean, I've got no objections, but I don't know what she'd think." That was a good way to phrase it. Make it seem as though she wasn't in the slightest bit jealous, make it seem as though she was only thinking about Anita's feelings. 

Ric smiled. "I doubt she'd mind, Diane." He turned a pleading look on her. "Please? I've hardly seen you all day!"

Diane sighed. It wasn't that she didn't trust him. She did. But… it was hard to explain. She trusted him more than anyone else in the world. And she trusted Anita as well. But she just didn't like the idea. But his expression was hard to resist. "Sure, come along if you want."

"I'll do that." Ric smiled at her. "Diane, Anita and I went out on two dates, we just talked. There really is nothing to be worried about."

She looked at him in some surprise. "I didn't say I was…"

"You don't think I've seen that expression on my own face whenever you spoke to Alex Adams?" he countered, putting an arm around her. "Did you ever get anywhere with him, by the way?"

She stuck her tongue out. "As if that was any of your business!" She paused. "But, no."

"That's good to know." She shot him an indignant look, and he kissed her. 

*~*~*

"Tom, I'm off now. Are you okay by yourself?" Ed asked, concerned. He didn't want to return in the morning to find Tom staring into an empty bottle. Or worse.

"I'll be fine." Tom put a false smile on his face, hiding his feelings. He was getting good at that. Wear a smile, tell a quick joke, and no one will even notice that you've got a broken heart.

"I'll be off then." Ed waved and made for the door. He didn't believe Tom for a minute, but there was nothing he could do. As his friend, all that he could do was trust that he would be okay, that he would ask for help before he needed it. He inwardly cursed Anita for driving Tom to this state. He'd never been as bad as this. Never. And Anita had been meant to help him… what sort of help was this?

"Ed… thanks for listening, earlier." Tom looked slightly embarrassed as Ed smiled in acceptance before leaving. He watched from the window, seeing Ed's car drive off. How come Ed could cope with a broken heart so easily? How come Ed could say that he had loved Chrissie, and yet still go on smiling?

He sighed, sinking down into his chair. This wasn't how it was meant to be. Not at all. He had never believed she would actually walk away. When he had left her, he had never felt worse about anything. But when she had come back, and agreed to live with him, he had thought that maybe she had forgiven him, maybe she had been mature enough to see past what he had done. He wasn't calling her immature, but anyone who prided themselves on being objective and rational, like she did, should surely have been able to see past the fact that he had been stupid, and seen that he truly loved her.

If she had known how bad he felt, he wondered, would she give him another chance? If she knew that this was killing him, that no one had ever hurt him as much as she had, that he didn't mind being hurt as long as he could still hope she might change her mind one day… But would she even care? Was he just a patient who got too close, a mistake that could have ruined her career? Something that she wanted to forget, even? Because to him, she wasn't just a woman who had been his doctor. She wasn't just a pretty face, she was more than that. He loved her. And, he was sure, she had loved him once. Even just for a moment, a few fleeting days, she had loved him. He had seen her face when he had followed her to America, and the joy in her eyes had assured him that she had loved him once.

He was at home almost before he realised it. He couldn't remember the journey back. All he could remember was Anita telling him that she was sorry. Anita crying… Anita shouting at him, breaking his heart, and probably her own as well. Her words echoed in his mind.

_"When I see you now, all I can see is someone who walked out on me, who lied to me, and who abandoned me." _

_"Why weren't you here tonight?"_

_"I don't need alcohol. I'm not you."_

She wasn't him. She was stronger than he would ever be, and she had thrown that back at him, she had taunted him with it. But she was right. As usual, she was right. He had let her down because he was… he was him. He was too scared, he was too irresponsible, and he had hurt her, and hurt himself.

He opened a cupboard and took out a bottle. It was something he had kept… because he had felt stronger, it had felt better to have it there and still not need to drink. He had never thought that he would need to turn back to it. He had had her. She had been worth it, worth staying sober for. But now… she didn't think he was worth anything, and she was probably right about that. So…

He placed a hand around the top of the bottle, ready to open it. He was well aware that once he had done this, there was no going back. Once he saw the liquid, smelt it, tasted it… he would be back where he had been all those months ago. But he had nothing else, nothing else was worth anything. He had had no one before, but now, that would be so much worse. Being alone when he had had someone, being by himself and knowing what he was missing… he didn't know if he could do that.

As he was about to open the bottle, he caught sight of a magazine lying on the coffee table. It was Anita's, a mother and baby magazine. Suddenly, he felt as though he was about to fall, and grabbed onto a chair to steady himself. How could he have contemplated drinking? It wasn't just himself and Anita that he had to consider. There was the baby. Anita was going to have a baby; he was going to be a father. How could he have forgotten, how could he have thought that Anita was the most important factor? This baby was going to depend on him, it was going to need him, more than Anita needed him, more than he needed Anita. And he didn't want this baby to know him as an alcoholic.

He slowly and deliberately dropped the bottle on the tiled floor, taking a grim satisfaction in the sound of smashing glass, the sound of the amber liquid trickling across the white tiles. The sound of a man being restored to sanity, escaping the demons that had hounded him.

*~*~*

Diane held tightly onto Ric's hand as she led the way into her hallway. Her grip was almost painful to Ric, her nails dug into his hand, but he knew what she would be thinking, so he let her. It was silly, it was stupid, jealous, and everything else, but she felt as though she needed to remind herself that he loved her, that he cared about her and not Anita. She needn't have worried. 

Anita looked up as they entered the kitchen, and almost laughed at the expression of pain on Ric's face. "Diane, I think you're hurting him," she said, calmly. 

Diane let go of Ric's hand, blushing. "Sorry Ric."

He laughed. "It's okay." 

"I'm not going to steal him from you, Diane, you needn't be so possessive." Anita sipped her drink and smiled, enjoying Diane's embarrassed expression.

"Anita, stop embarrassing her," Ric said, slipping an arm around Diane's waist. Maybe she was only teasing, but Diane couldn't take it. She wasn't used to feeling secure, and she wasn't used to being teased about it. It was still new to her, and Anita didn't know that. She wouldn't have teased otherwise. 

Anita smiled apologetically. "Sure." She shrugged. She sat down, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Maybe Ric hadn't intended to, but putting his arm around Diane, sitting close to Diane, on the other side of the room, it made Anita feel almost unbearably left out. Not that she wanted to be included with them. Just… to be included anywhere, to feel as though she belonged somewhere, that would be nice.


	12. Chapter Eleven

Change My Mind Chapter Eleven

"You dropped this," Tom said, running up behind Anita, holding up a piece of paper. She slowed down and waited for him. 

"Thanks." She slotted the piece of paper into the folder she was carrying, smiled at him and began to walk off. He hurried after her.

"You're in a hurry." 

"I am." 

"Where are you going?" he asked, wanting to get a longer answer. "Skiving?"

"No," she replied, half-laughing. "I'm going shopping. I've got a free afternoon and I wanted to get some things for the baby."

"Oh." He paused, feeling as though this might be his chance to help. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She looked at him. "Not really." 

He sighed. "I know that you want to do this by yourself, Anita, but I care about you, and I care about this baby, and I would like to come with you."

"Well, I can't stop you coming." Anita placed the folders on Kath's desk, and turned back to Tom. She had to admit, she didn't want to do this by herself. It seemed almost weak to confess it, but she wanted someone to help her. "Come if you want," she told him, smiling as she saw how pleased he looked.

"Wait ten minutes, I need to explain to Ed that I'm going." He raced out of the room as Anita laughed. She was half-tempted to leave without telling him, but decided against it. So, when Tom returned, he found her sitting on Kath's desk. "Normal people sit on chairs," he teased.

"I know." She stood up. "So, what did you tell Ed?"

He looked awkward. "That there was a family emergency," he confessed. "Don't look at me like that, what was I meant to tell him?"

"The truth?" she suggested. She debated commenting on the fact that Ed had covered for Tom before, but decided against it. She didn't want to start an argument.

"Anita, there are only a few reasons that I could leave work in the middle of a shift. Surprisingly enough, shopping is not one of them," he teased her.

"Well, it should be." 

*~*~*

"Diane!" Ed hissed, poking his head around the door of the ward.

"Ed? What's the matter?" Diane queried, seeing his serious expression. "I'll be with you in a moment, Mr Taylor," she told her patient, going to see Ed.

"I need to talk to you – and Ric, if he's anywhere about." Ed looked around.

"He's at the Hadlington, I'm afraid. What's the matter?" Diane took him into Kath's office and sat on the desk.

"It's about Tom…" Ed said, hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

Ed paused for a moment, feeling slightly guilty to even be thinking about discussing this with someone. It was none of his business. But then again, he felt that he should try and help Tom. 

"Ed, get on with it, I've got a patient waiting." Diane smiled to show that she wasn't trying to be rude.

"Well… it's just… you're friends with Anita, aren't you?" He waited for Diane to nod, and continued. "Well… ah, this is, I probably shouldn't even be talking to you about this. But… well, Diane, is there _any_ way you could try and talk to her, about Tom? Because he's really depressed about all this, and I think he might end up doing something stupid if Anita doesn't stop being so stubborn."

Diane sighed. "I know. Ric and I have tried to get her to talk… to him, to us, whatever. But she won't."

"Does she even realise what it's doing to Tom?" Ed sighed. "Diane, I've never seen him look so depressed, okay? He looked happier when he was dependent on alcohol. That's what she's done to him."

"It's not exactly easier on her either, you know." Diane shrugged. "I must say, Tom does deserve it. He left her."

"And she's been toying with him ever since. Diane, no one deserves that! He adores her, and she's just messing around."

"Maybe she doesn't know how else to deal with it!" Diane shot back at him. "Ed, we don't know the full story, you can't judge Anita like that!"

Ed sat down heavily. "Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Just… can you please try and talk to her? Because Tom's a good friend, and I don't like to see him in such a state." He didn't mention that he was afraid it might already be too late.

Diane heard the pleading note in Ed's voice, and softened. He did really care, Tom was his friend, and he wanted him to be happy. And they both knew what – or who – would do that. "I'll do my best. But Ed, it might not be good enough, no one can force them to be together, even if it is what they both want. As long as Anita's being stubborn and pretending she doesn't care, not even her friends can help her. I'm sorry. I know Tom's your friend, I know you want him to be happy, but Anita's my friend, I have to respect what she wants." 

"Just… please, Diane, please try."

*~*~*

"This was fun," Anita said, brightly, as she unlocked her car. 

"It was. Although I never pictured you as the maternal type," Tom commented.

"What do you mean?" Anita queried, leaning against the car.

"I just never thought you'd be one of those women who 'ah' over baby clothes," he explained.

"Is that a bad thing?" She pulled a small pair of shoes out of the bag and waved them at him. "How can you not think these are cute?" 

"I didn't say that they weren't, I just didn't feel the need to squeal when I saw them," Tom laughed. 

"Men," she sighed, pretending to be exasperated. 

Encouraged by the way she had acted all afternoon, knowing that he should take this one chance, he leaned in to kiss her.

She pulled away, shocked and confused. "Don't… don't."

He looked hurt. "I thought you…"

She started gathering up the bags. "No. I don't want… I don't know what I want. Not this."

"Anita, you can't spend the rest of your life running away from me." He caught hold of her hand, as she was about to move away. "I made one mistake, Anita. One mistake. I got scared once, and ran. How can you say that I did something wrong when you're doing exactly the same?"

She wrenched her hand free. "It's different." 

"Fine, I made the first mistake," Tom conceded. "And ever since then, you've been so set on getting revenge, or – or not letting yourself get hurt again, or, I don't know, something… and you're not even letting yourself admit it."

"Admit what?" she asked quietly. 

"Admit that you wish you could swallow your pride and come back." He watched her face intently, convinced that he was right. And, as he saw the surprise in her eyes, he knew that he was.

"You don't…" She stopped abruptly, not able to contradict him, and not allowing herself to admit that he was right. "It's complicated." 

"You think I don't know that, Anita?" He sighed, frustrated. "I know it's complicated, and I know it might be hard, but I think… we could make it work."

"It's not that easy." She avoided his eyes. "It's not a matter of just moving on, it's not just something we can work on, because…" Why not? Why wasn't it? She didn't know. "It's just not."

He took her hand again. "Anita, look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me, that you don't wish we could start over, that you don't think we have a chance. If you can do that, then I'll walk away, I'll go, and I'll not bother you again."

"I – I can't. But that's not… I just can't do this, not again. I can't let you hurt me again, I can't, I'm so sorry but I can't." She looked at him apologetically, and watched him walk away, dejectedly. She got into her car and felt tears fall down her cheeks. She didn't want to do this by herself. But she couldn't afford to let Tom back into her life. He had hurt her once before, what was to say he wouldn't do it again? And that would be worse. She didn't want to be hurt like that again, not ever. 

*~*~*

Diane looked up anxiously as Anita entered the room, impatiently wiping tears from her cheeks. "Are you alright?"

"Fine." Anita threw her bag across the room and glared at Diane. "Do I look alright to you?"

"I was only asking, don't snap at me!" Diane defended herself.

Anita shook her head. "Sorry… I just…" She sat down. "It's really over this time." 

"You've argued with Tom again, then?" Diane asked, casually. 

Anita sighed. "He offered me a way back in, and I said no." She kicked out at the table, frowning. "Why am I so incapable of just getting on with my life?"

"Because you love him." Diane shrugged. "Anita, I don't know whether you realise this or not, but you're only hurting yourself doing this."

"I'm not." Anita shook her head. She was holding back because she didn't want to get hurt. This was to protect herself; she wasn't just doing it for the fun of it. She was doing it because, in the long run, it would be beneficial, for her, for the baby, and even, maybe, for Tom. Why couldn't Diane understand that, why couldn't Tom understand? Why couldn't it all be easier?

"You are." Diane got up to make a drink. "You want him back, don't you?"

"Eventually…" Anita shrugged. "Of course I do. I love him." 

"Anita, if you keep pushing him away, then one day he's not going to come back. You need to wake up and accept that." Diane sighed. She didn't want to speak so bluntly, but she was starting to get frustrated. 

Anita sighed. "I know. I just don't know how to fix it." It took a lot for her to admit that. "I don't know what to do to make it right. I want to, I really do want to, but I just don't know how."

"Talk to him," Diane suggested.

"Tried it."

"No you haven't. You've tried yelling at him, or having your say and walking out of the room. I mean _talk_ to him, properly. Tell him how you feel." Diane was privately amazed that Anita needed this help. She was a psychiatrist, after all. 

"It's hard." Anita stared at her hands, thinking. "I don't know how to start."

"Just… swallow your pride, and do it. If you don't, you'll regret it." 

*~*~*

"No one with you today?" Rosie asked Anita, as she sat slightly nervously in the waiting room.

"No… just me." Anita smiled weakly. "Diane's in theatre, Ric's… well, I don't know, but he was busy." She had wanted one of them with her, they were no substitute for Tom, but it still felt better to have someone rather than no one. She couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness that had settled over her recently.

"And Tom…?" Rosie prompted. He'd tagged along to a few appointments recently, and Rosie had thought it was sweet how concerned he was for Anita and the baby.

"Doesn't know and doesn't care." That's not true and you know it, a little voice inside chided her. But she pushed it to the back of her mind, and smiled nonchalantly at Rosie. 

"I'm sorry," Rosie replied, awkwardly.

"No, don't be, it – it was only ever a bit of fun, it just got out of hand." She forced the words to come, and squirmed inside at the enormity of the lies she was telling. She didn't know why she had to lie to Rosie, maybe it was something to do with the lies she was telling herself, maybe it was to do with the fact that she didn't think it was Rosie's business, maybe it was that she didn't want to tell anyone what she had done. 

"That's the trouble about fun. It always goes further than you mean it to," Rosie commented, and Anita could have sworn that she saw her shoot a sideways glance at Mubbs. 

She decided not to comment; her own life was so complicated that she daren't pass judgement on anyone else's. Instead, she followed Rosie through to the consulting room, and sat down. 

"So, how've you been?" Rosie queried. This was a professional enquiry now; any further mention of Tom – or Mubbs – was unnecessary.

"Fine… a bit of nausea, but otherwise fine." Anita didn't mention that this was whenever she saw Tom; she always felt the nervousness creeping in. And she always felt sick after seeing him, after shouting at him, after seeing how much it was hurting him, hurting her. Stop thinking about him, she told herself. Stop it now. It's not doing you any favours. 

Rosie smiled sympathetically at Anita. "Feeling a bit lonely?" she queried lightly.

Anita sighed. "No." It was the truth. She wasn't feeling a bit lonely. She was feeling a lot lonely and she didn't know how to stop it. Or rather, she knew how to, and didn't like the answer.

*~*~*

"Anita looks happier today," Ric commented to Diane, as they were driving home.

"Yeah, she's got a plan… that I'm not allowed to tell you about. I think she knows what she's doing now." Anita had told Diane her plans, but Diane had promised not to tell even Ric, in case they didn't work out.

"That's a relief then." Ric smiled brightly. He had been concerned about Anita – and not only Anita, but Diane as well. Having to live with someone who spent her time alternating between depression and anger couldn't be easy.

"It is. Hopefully she can get on with her life now." Diane sat back in her seat. "I'm tired."

"Hardly surprising, considering it's nearly midnight." Ric parked the car. "You can go straight to bed and to sleep now, if you want. Although I don't have to say that I'll be very disappointed if you do."

Diane giggled. "I would never have thought of doing that before you mentioned it." She faked a yawn, enjoying teasing him. 

"Well, if you're that tired, maybe I should go," Ric teased her, opening the car door.

"I'm awake, I'm awake!" she said, smiling, grabbing hold of his hand to stop him leaving.

"So you won't object to me coming back with you then?" he checked, laughing.

"Not at all." Diane smiled. She fumbled for her keys, clumsily unlocking the door. As she stepped into the house, she looked around. "Anita?" she called. There was no reply, and she shrugged. "Probably talking to Tom."

"So that's her plan then?" Ric queried.

"I said I wouldn't tell, and I won't." Diane stuck her tongue out. Ric turned a pleading look on her, and she smiled. "No, I promised her!"

"Fine, fine. I'll have to ask her then." Ric sat down and Diane curled up next to him. 

"You know she won't tell you." Diane paused. "Well, if it goes well, she'll probably be telling everyone," she corrected herself. She smiled at Ric's curious look. "I'm not telling."

"What, don't you love me enough?" Ric teased, stopping as he saw Diane's look. "What's the matter?"

She sat up. "We haven't actually said that yet, you know."

"Said what?" Ric looked a bit confused, and slipped an arm around her. 

"You know… the L-word…" Diane hesitated.

Ric laughed. "Oh, that."

"Yes, that." She fiddled with a button on his jacket. 

"I thought you knew how I felt, Diane. I love you." He looked at her gently. 

She looked up at him, remembering what Anita had told her, remembering that it was ridiculous to be scared, remembering that she loved Ric so much, that she had cried at the thought of never being with him… "I love you too."

"You look terrified," he commented. "I won't hurt you."

"It's not you," she replied. "I'm not scared of you – I'm more scared of us. This, this relationship, getting hurt, anything."

"I think it's worth chancing it, don't you?" He pulled her closer to him.

"Of course it is… I love you, I couldn't let you go." She cuddled up to him. "Thank you for being so understanding."

*~*~*

A wave of black hair went un-noticed by Tom as he dejectedly made his way to his office before returning home. He ignored the sound of heels against the hard linoleum floor, and didn't notice when the clicking noise suddenly stopped. He pushed open his door. Seeing an envelope on top of a basket of files, he crossed the room to his desk. Picking the envelope up curiously, he didn't notice Anita standing in the doorway. She folded her arms, smiling. Tom slit the envelope open, and a small piece of paper fell out. He picked it up. It was a scan picture.

"Rosie says it's a girl," Anita announced.

He looked up. "Anita…"

"I'm sorry," she said, softly. "I've been being horrible to you. I – I'm sorry."

Part of him was convinced this was all a dream; Anita couldn't be standing in front of him, she couldn't be apologising, showing him a picture of their child… this wasn't real. "Anita…" he repeated, taking her hand.

"I shouldn't have said – what I did." She didn't want to recall what she had said, didn't want to go back over the memories, the heartbreak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I love you."

His breath caught in his throat as he heard the unexpected words. "You – you…" He cleared his throat and noticed that he felt as though he wanted to cry. "What are you saying?" he queried, after a few moments had passed in a tense silence.

Anita glanced at her hands, not trusting herself to speak for a moment. "I want to say that I'm sorry, that I love you, that I want you to forgive me, that I forgave you ages ago, that I want another chance… I want you back."

He took both of her hands in his. "Anita, I don't need to forgive you. You never did anything wrong, not in my mind." 

She waited tensely for his answer; feeling as though her world would end if he wouldn't forgive her, give her another chance. "Please…" she whispered. She didn't want to beg for another chance, the plea came unwillingly, involuntarily.

Tom gently placed a hand on Anita's stomach. "A girl, eh?" She nodded wordlessly. "Let's hope she's as beautiful as her mother, then. Less of a heart-breaker, though." 

Anita felt her heart racing, she was silently begging Tom for a straight answer. He didn't seem to notice how much this was tearing her apart, how much she needed to know his answer.

"You don't need a second chance, Anita." He kept one hand on her stomach, and drew her close to him. 

"Why not?" she queried, laying her head on his shoulder and accepting what his answer was without him even saying so.

"You're still on your first. I'm the one who should be asking for another chance."

"You don't need to ask."

"I've been begging for the past three months, and you haven't said yes yet." He spoke lightly, but she knew that he was hurt.

"I'm sorry… I really am."

He smiled. "You don't have to be sorry." He paused. "I love you."

She felt tears coming to her eyes, and a smile spreading across her face. She saw her own emotions reflected in his eyes, and leaned in to kiss him. This was it.


	13. Epilogue

Change My Mind

**Epilogue**

Tom was trying desperately to make breakfast and keep his daughter quiet. Difficult, but he could do it. If he didn't, Anita, who was still asleep, would have his blood. And he was quite enjoying his life at the moment.

He had more than he had ever had. There was Anita, the woman he loved and the woman who loved him back. He couldn't understand why she did, but she did, and that was enough for him. He didn't want to question it; he didn't need to question it. They were happy, and that was all that mattered. And it wasn't only Anita. It was their daughter as well. He'd never thought that he would be a good father; he'd never imagined he'd even have the chance. 

When Anita had waltzed back into his life, telling him she was pregnant, Tom had never felt so scared or confused. But slowly, those feelings had fallen away, leaving him feeling excited, happy, and wanting to be a part of Anita's life, of the baby's life. And then he had made mistakes; he had been stupid enough to risk losing them both forever. He had been too irresponsible, Anita had been too hasty, and they had nearly cost themselves their happiness. But slowly, slowly and surely, they had recovered from it.

They were happier than they had ever been. It all seemed so normal, Tom thought incredulously. Such a normal family, it sometimes seemed as though he had no place there at all. A mother, a father, and a baby, how could he be a part of something so conventional?  And yet, it didn't seem normal. Normal meant regular, mundane, boring even. And nothing about this was boring. Each day he was falling further and further in love with Anita, each day the two of them were discovering more that they loved about each other, their little girl was growing into more and more of a person, and their perfect family was complete.

Anita had been right; their relationship was complicated. But it was _theirs_, and, unconventional as it was, they were managing. More than managing. Tom sometimes felt as though he was skating over thin ice, as though the happy life might crack underneath him at any point. Because it was so unusual for him to feel happy. But, after nearly two years, he had come to realise that it was more secure than that. That didn't stop him being afraid that one day something would go wrong, but it had stopped him from mentally preparing himself for it. He was starting to accept that maybe, maybe, this was how it would be from now on. Maybe he had got something right for once; maybe he'd finally got a happy ending. And he was going to make damn sure that he didn't mess it up.

He placed a hand into his pocket to ensure that the ring box was still there.

*~*~*

Ric was placing the key in the lock, entering his house. He'd been on a night shift, and was tired. More than that, he wanted to get home to Diane. He didn't like leaving her alone, and he knew that she felt the same.

They had got there eventually. After years of tiptoeing around one another, denying their feelings, being afraid, it had taken some hints from Zubin, some plain talking from Ed and Anita, and plenty of courage and emotion, but they had made it. They had made it, she had given a different answer to a question he had asked her once before, and they were going to be together forever.

He could barely think of a time when he had not been in love with her. It seemed to him as though his life had begun on that summer evening when she had come crying to him, finally admitting to her longing, finally allowing him to be happy. And that day… well, he associated that with the end of all his problems. 

In reality, he had made it through a lot of the obstacles without her; he had beaten his gambling addiction with only Zubin's help, he had had no assistance in building bridges with Leo, except for a few conversations with Jess and Zubin. But of all those problems, it had been his feelings for Diane that he had found the hardest to bear, when he believed that she did not feel the same – and yet now, now that they had their future stretching out in front of them, he felt that it was all worth it.

It was even worth how he had hurt her when he had been with Anita. When Diane had told him how that had made her feel, Ric had felt guilty, guilty for using one friend to hurt another. And he had felt guiltier still when, after speaking to Tom, he had found out how much it had hurt him. One simple act of mistaken kindness had nearly ruined the happiness of so many people. And yet, it hadn't. They, all of them, friendships, relationships, love, it had all managed to withstand Ric's careless question, and Anita's even more careless answer. It had been silly, stupid, and Ric accepted that. But it had given him Diane.

The early morning sun shone light onto the gold band on his finger, as he pushed the door open to go and see his wife.

*~*~*

Diane was curled up in bed, and smiling as she heard the door open, feeling relieved that Ric was finally home. She couldn't help but worry when he arrived late – it was ridiculous, she knew, but she always imagined terrible things that might have happened to him. He might have been in a car crash, he might have fallen down the stairs, he might have been taken suddenly ill, there might have been an epidemic at the hospital… endless catastrophes that might have robbed her of the one man she had ever loved. They never happened, of course. They were the products of an over-active imagination, a woman who had had very little sleep, unable to drift into the isolated world of her nightmares without the man of her dreams by her side. 

He was the man of her dreams, she reflected sleepily. She had loved him… forever, it seemed. Since she had been very much younger, an innocent, naïve young girl, believing that with love came security and happily-ever-after endings. She had been disillusioned quickly. But now, she knew, she was in danger of forgetting that she had ever been disillusioned. Because, with the love she had now, she had security, and she was living her happily-ever-after ending. It could very well have been a fairy-tale.

She loved him, real love, the sort she had only thought happened in movies, it didn't happen to people like her, not to ordinary people. But it had happened, and it was almost overwhelming to think about. She had fallen head over heels in love with him, twice, once when she was young, and again, more recently. And this one – this time, it would last. Sometimes, the depth of her feelings scared her. For so long, she had cut herself off from the world, from people, not allowing her heart to rule herself, not being impulsive, not letting herself grow close to people, not allowing herself to be hurt. But, as Anita had said, that was ridiculous. So, she was letting herself fall in love. It had been so sudden, so unexpected, two or three weeks that had forced her to realise what she felt. But, she thought happily, she had the rest of her life, her life and his life, to enjoy the consequences.

She had so many dreams for the future, dreams that she knew he shared. She'd never really dreamed before – or if she had, she'd always rationalised her fantasies. But now, she was realising that she didn't need to. That, with him, her dreams could come true. Two of them already had.

She heard his footsteps on the stairs, and sat up in bed to greet him. She placed a hand on her slightly rounded stomach, and smiled.

*~*~*

Anita was sleeping peacefully, oblivious to it all.

----

And that's the end!


End file.
